The beasts awaken

Mommy’s new job means she leaves the house each morning before we four boys wake up. Mommy is the big winner in this new reality, because none of the men she leaves behind wake up pretty.

The first to wake up is Daddy. He is not a morning person, but he has seen enough dawns to realize the world wasn’t designed for night owls, and he must suck it up, even as he bounces off the bathroom door frame, which he walked into sideways.

After Daddy showers and shaves, he wakes up Big Brother. Big Brother is also not a morning person. He knows 7 a.m. is a horrible time to wake up. This makes angriness a constant part of his morning routine. Big Brother shuffles to the bathroom to assemble his many complaints for the day and do an inventory of all the aches that, in a just world, would keep him home from school.

Next to rise is Buster. He is less of a non-morning person. This is not to say he won’t be in a bad mood in the morning, it’s just that he is equally likely to be nudged into surliness in the afternoon or evening. Buster often wakes up by himself. He gives Daddy a nice hug, and it all goes downhill from there. Making him brush his teeth could be the thing that sends him into a funk. Or it might be the criminal lack of donuts for breakfast. Asking him to write out his spelling words before the test is a surefire way to send him into a spiral of grunts and foot stomping.

Children who study their spelling words can win handsome plaques. Or maybe it’s for clean teeth. Probably not a donut-eating award. Image: Harris & Ewing

Big Man is the wild card. Sometimes he wakes up early and sometimes he pushes sleep to the limit. Big Man is unlikely to be angry. He’s just very sleepy. Even when he gets up early, he often drags his blanket downstairs to curl up on the floor. He likes to stay in his pajamas, regardless of where he needs to be. He takes his time about getting around to breakfast. Big Man’s saving grace is that when he puts up a stink, at least he argues using English words instead of grunting his rebuttals like his caveman brothers.

Of the four, only Daddy shows any urgency about getting people where they need to be on time. The poor, hopeless man struggles against the current of chronological apathy every day, and every day it comes near drowning him in tardiness.

It is a maelstrom of his own making. Who gave Big Brother a nature that recoils from the rising sun? Who gave Buster the expectations of a prince in the robes of a pauper? Who gave Big Man the English language, to spout in endless explanation of why it’s not yet the right moment to put his shoes on, instead of just putting his damned shoes on?

I don’t know. Maybe it was Mommy.

25 comments on “The beasts awaken

  1. Gibber says:

    Ahaha! I really think donuts for breakfast would help everything. They may be will to do anything or even better everything you need them too for donuts.

  2. Just Joan says:

    Getting up before the crack of dawn is a bummer, but there’s a silver lining, Mommy: not having to deal with four grumpy non-morning people. Best part was the paragraph about Buster, who can be nudged into surliness at any time of the day over his spelling words or by a criminal lack of donuts for breakfast. Surely there must be a law against starting the day with Cheerios or toast! 🙂

  3. Clever Girl says:

    Love this! Who the hell came up with the idea of waking up in the morning anyway? Bed is where we oughtta be

  4. GoofyEd says:

    Delightful tale…at least for the readers. It’s most enjoyable to me as I’ve never had kids or grandkids, or great-grands who “hated” mornings so I have no viable solution for your delimna.

  5. AmyRose🌹 says:

    Can you imagine a house with FIVE boys and three girls? That was my existence as a child. Not much was said in those mornings …. As for you, I well, may think due to the fact you are the night owl, perhaps you passed that gene onto your children? Just a thought, Scott. You did have something to do in the creation of these little ones. It’s not nice to point the finger at the other person …. your wife? The one who is getting up even earlier then you guys? Hmmmm …. what is wrong here? Just asking …..

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