It’s early Saturday morning. I don’t know what time it is. The clock is on my wife’s side of the bed and I’m not awake enough to raise my head to look. Even if I could see the clock, I still wouldn’t know what time it is because my wife keeps it set at a secret number of minutes in advance of the actual time. She feels this helps her get up earlier. The exact discrepancy is known only to her, or perhaps to no one at all.
I’m thinking how nice it will be to scoot over and cuddle up to my soft, warm wife. That’s so much better than getting up for work. Saturday mornings are awesome. I will scoot over in a minute, as soon as I am awake enough to control my body.
I feel a jostle at the foot of the mattress. Something climbs up onto the bed and crawls up the middle. It lets a draft in as it lifts up the blankets to climb under. A sharp elbow pokes me in the back. Icy little hands and feet sting me as they steal the warmth I’ve labored all night to accumulate. You’d think he slept outside without a blanket. Another sharp edge cuts me. I’m fully awake now.
The bed is jostled again. Another sharp, cold creature climbs up the middle and burrows himself under the covers. This one attacks my wife and I hear her react to the icy sting.
Saturday morning just got real.
Somewhere, way over on the other side of the bed, I have a soft, warm wife. She is a forlorn dream now. With two active porcupines tearing it up between us, we might as well be on different planets.
The porcupines start talking to one another. One tells the other to roll over, or move his leg, or redirect his sharp quills toward the proper target: a parent. They begin fighting over their respective positions. “Stay on your side!” the six-year-old tells the four-year-old, as if either one of them has any claim to a side of this bed. It’s half serious kick fight, half gigglefest. I take most of the kicks; they keep the giggles to share between themselves.
Mommy demands they leave the bed.
They protest. They don’t want to leave. There’s no place they’d rather be.
Then lay down and be quiet, Mommy commands.
They obey, for up to 10 seconds. Then the jostling begins anew.
Mommy and Daddy decide to get up. A pair of skinny arms enfold us both. Don’t leave, the porcupines beg. Mommy’s and Daddy’s bed is nothing more than the biggest trampoline in the house when Mommy and Daddy aren’t in it. Of course porcupines love jumping on trampolines, but that doesn’t compare to rolling around together in the warm, safe fort between the two bookends of security.
Saturday mornings are awesome.
Hey! Free Stuff! If you like this post, this blog, or maybe just reading things in electronic format, here’s something you’re sure to love: As of this posting (11/1/2018), my humorous novel, Temp: Life in the Stagnant Lane is free for Kindle download at Amazon.com (U.S. site). Click here for the download page. I can’t say how long it will remain free, because Amazon, so download your free copy before it’s too late!
Your virtual pal,
Scott (a.k.a. Snoozing)
Porcupines are a scary lot, particularly on a Saturday morning!
They can be prickly, but they’re pretty cute when all is said and done.
I have two porcu-canines that can take up the middle 3/4ths of a king-sized bed if they put their minds to it. Love this: “that doesn’t compare to rolling around together in the warm, safe fort between the two bookends of security.” LOL, the dogs get up as soon as we do, fun’s over. I’ll be checking out the free download… I already know what life is like in the stagnant lane, but I’m interested to get your take on it. 🙂
The interlopers only want to stay in your bed when they are making you uncomfortable there. Thanks for checking out the book. Nobody will be able to say I can’t give it away.
CongratZ on your novel. No kindle over here.
And the story was so funny and warm. A perfect combination. And of course, so true.
Thank you. There’s no keeping those sharp little creatures out of your bed. Nothing is more true than that.
There might be something to be said for putting a lock on the door. LOL
And have to endure all the banging? No thanks.
Oh right. That didn’t even cross my mind. Guess you might need a padded room, with a padded door with a padlock. Hmm…there’s a theme here..
Maybe I just need padded children.
Well do you have bubble wrap? Wait. If you wrap them in that you will endlessly have to listen to bubble popping. Hmmm…You seem to be in a pickle.
It never ends.
My 1 and only porcupine is now married and out of the house. But this made me smile from ear to ear! I especially like the acknowledgment of the allusive closeness with your wife. Hold on to that, for the when the porcupines move out!
I’ll be holding on, and on and on and on.
Another hysterical post, Scott. Now I’m not too keen on icy so you do have my sympathies, fully! The pic of that family had me roaring which only made your story even funnier. Instead of kids I have cats that wake me up. There is one advantage to cats. They are warm. LOL