Your crime spree is over, Daddy

Every so often, your kids gets a toy that is so fun he has to use it on you. All the time.

You reassure yourself that he’ll lose or break it soon enough and the suffering fun will end.

My son’s fun toy is his handcuffs. He got them in July. He has neither broken nor lost them. I’m getting worried.

Big Brother loves TV shows about police. He doesn’t get to watch the modern, in-your-face shows, but he is content with Adam 12. He would probably even watch CHiPs, if he ever discovered those reruns. Thankfully, he hasn’t.

These programs inspire him to break out the cuffs. Since his little brothers can easily slip their hands out of them, it is left to Daddy to always be a criminal. Daddy, it turns out, is quite a bad bank robber – bad in that he robs banks almost daily, and also bad in that he gets arrested every time. He is incorrigible and incompetent.

The last time we played cops and robbers, Big Brother deputized Buster to be on his police force. As he was fumbling to get the cuffs onto my compliant hands, he pointed out his new partner, “This is Officer Wawa.”

Officer Wawa didn’t have nice, store-bought hand cuffs, but he did have a stick, which doubled as a gun and a Billy Club. It may also have been a Taser, as I found him poking me with it rather sharply.

Don't mess with Officer Wawa. He will put you in solitary, down in the hole, if he has to.

Don’t mess with Officer Wawa. He will put you in solitary, down in the hole, if he has to.

There was no sense in holding a trial for such a notorious felon as myself, so I was immediately transported to prison. “Here you are,” Big Brother announced as he fumbled to take the cuffs off. “This is Springfield Beginners’ Prison.”

I suspect it was in Springfield because The Simpsons had just been on. And it only made sense that I should start out in a beginners’ prison since, in spite of my many crimes, I had never been exposed to prison life before.

I kind of liked beginners’ prison. It was mostly a driveway with a basketball hoop. And since I had the foresight to bring a basketball, I did my time working on my jump shot. It was not an unpleasant experience.

follow through

Working on my follow-through in the yard of Springfield Beginners’ Prison.

Until the cop with the handcuffs came back.

He told me, on the sly, that I could escape when he wasn’t looking. I was happy where I was, so I didn’t try it. He got a little impatient and told me again, so I figured maybe that was the expected thing at beginners’ prison.

At the first opportunity, I just walked away. I got a few steps onto the lawn before he came after me. Officer Wawa, who had been sifting through a pile of pine needles, found his stick and followed. Before I knew it, I was in cuffs again. For good measure, I got clubbed, or tased; I’m not sure which.

That was enough for me. I made all the cops put down their sticks and go to bed early.

happy birthday

No, son, you may not have one of these for your birthday.



Conversations with my wife: Prison

SETTING: We were watching a reality show about how people cope with their first week in prison. One of the subjects commented that he had been wearing the same clothes for a week.

WIFE: Oh my God! I can’t go to prison if they make you wear the same clothes for a week.

ME: Were you planning on going to prison?

WIFE: Only if you forget how to treat me right.

ME: Look at the bright side: you could learn how to make shivs and shanks.

WIFE: (scoffing) I already know how to make them. You file down your toothbrush. Anyway, if you were in prison, could you wear the same clothes for a week?

Prison Tip #1: When not being used to stab rivals, shivs and shanks are handy for darning socks. (Image via Wikipedia.)

ME: If I’m in prison, I think changing my clothes is the least of my concerns.

WIFE: You think that means they won’t let you take two showers a day?

ME: Probably not. And I wouldn’t want to take two showers a day in prison.

WIFE: Oh no! I would need my two showers a day.

ME: Maybe dirt is part of the punishment.

WIFE: I am not a good candidate for prison.

ME: Don’t let ‘em take you alive.

WIFE: I’m gonna have to do a really, really good job of hiding your body.

Incarceration: A fashionable alternative to the burdens of personal hygiene.