The joy of no more poopy pants

The three pillars of parenthood are puke, poop, and pee.  Though puke is probably the most difficult to remove from random places within the house, it is encountered least often. Pee is most often encountered. Little boys can make a mess with it, even when their intentions are beyond reproach, if their marksmanship forsakes them. But pee is relatively easy to clean up, and even if you miss a spot, it will dry up and nobody will notice.

Poop is the most problematic of the unholy trinity. It occurs often enough; you know it’s there, even if you can’t see it; and though it cleans up faster than puke, it can leave you with that same sneer on your face and the same resentment in your heart.

Potty training time doesn’t bring any extra quantity of puke, unless it is your own. You are more likely to find pee and poop in places you’d rather not have it. Big Man is on the righteous path now, but just a few weeks ago, he was backsliding in a bad way. It was not pleasant.

In the beginning, Big Man embraced potty training with enthusiasm. We marveled at how easy this third child was. He took to the routine like a pro. We gave away his unused diapers. We smiled. We hugged. We high-fived. Happiness reigned throughout the land.

Then the slacking began. He made it to the potty sometimes, and sometimes he just didn’t bother to try. Some of his underwear were salvageable and some were merely blessed with the sign of the cross on their way to the outside garbage can.

“Okay, which one of you didn’t make it to the potty in time? You have to tell somebody you need to go!”

I am not one of those parents who can keep everything positive with a pat on the head and a “We’ll get ‘em next time, Champ!” I want to know why we didn’t get ‘em this time, and I frown while I’m making my inquiries: “Why didn’t you tell somebody you had to poop?” Over the years, I’ve learned I am a man who is disappointed at finding poop where it doesn’t belong under any circumstances, and I’ve yet to master hiding this disappointment.

A little frown won’t hurt the child. It may help him when he grows up into the real world. I’m sure his future employers will appreciate that he knows how to take correction. Also, they probably won’t want him carrying a load around the office in his pants. So, when I frown at him, I’m really frowning for the good of society, and pleasant smelling workplaces everywhere.

The boy tired of me making faces at him and now he is back on the straight and narrow. The world is right again. My only regret is that the casualties from his underwear drawer will never know they did not die in vain.



22 comments on “The joy of no more poopy pants

  1. Just Joan says:

    “Over the years, I’ve learned I am a man who is disappointed at finding poop where it doesn’t belong…” I walk my dog daily along a popular canine route and share your sentiments, especially in regards to the proverbial “load in the middle of the road.” My dog likes privacy; he backs up into tall foliage to do his business. Which leaves me to collect clumps from the low branches and bag ’em up, lest some innocent kid discover them hanging there and pop one in his mouth, curious about what “brownberries” taste like. Best of Luck, Snoozing, to you and Big Man’s remaining underwear. 🙂

  2. AmyRose🌹 says:

    Growing up with 5 brothers I’m surprised my Mom has any kind of humor left. Boys are messy and I know THAT in spades. Sorry to hear that your little guy backslid. Now if you can figure out the reason why this happened perhaps you could well, prevent the next “accident” from happening. Good luck, that is all I can say. Better you then me. I’ve got cats who can be quite the mess. Pee, poo, and puke. Yep. Familiar with all three! 😜

  3. Gibber says:

    Was he busy watching cartoons during his back sliding time? Because well everyone knows cartoons trump most things..

  4. Sandi says:

    I am so glad we are beyond this phase! Hopefully, you don’t have to deal with the other “P” – pinworms!

    My son ate something not thoroughly washed and got worms! Mom, what’s wrong with my poop? I can’t believe I’m inspecting your poo at 13 years old…argh! Pin worms, bad case, whey didn’t you tell me you saw things wiggling sooner. Thank goodness there is over-the-counter medicine that the whole family has to take now. Everyone has to be treated because it’s super contagious. Great.

    Hopefully, you won’t have to experience THAT! But, FYI, if you do, the stuff on the CVS counter 1 treatment of banana flavored stuff /thickness of shake, in a shot cup / not much – will resolve the issue…in a week’s time.

    Talk about making faces! Ack!

  5. Ahdad says:

    Ah potty training, my nemesis… It’s one of life’s little skills I’ve yet to master…

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