Looking for a special friend, sailor?

Another hooker is after me.

I’m not sure she’s a bona fide hooker; I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt.

This is not in real life, of course. This is even more real than that because it’s on Facebook.

About once a quarter I get a Facebook friend request from someone I’ve never met. I’m not talking about one of those where the name might almost sound familiar if you close your eyes and repeat it slowly. These are total strangers, always women.

Because I’m the kind of guy who never turns my back on anyone without being sure she is not someone I used to know, I click the link that takes me to her wall, or whatever FB calls the place where you keep your naked selfie. This is followed by a sigh, as I think, “Oh my! I’m sure I’d remember her.”

But I don’t remember her. I don’t remember anybody like her. I’m not alone, because she only has seven friends – all lonely looking males. They don’t remember her either, but they so badly wish they did. Plus, it’s a nice photo to come back to when the loneliness scrapes bottom.

I know she means me no good. She is only some invention, created to lure me to the dark side of FB, if there is a side darker than the shallow political memes and associated insightful commentary.

Therefore, I’m sorry, lovely young lady who really knows her camera angles, or creepy dude who stole her photo and attached it to a fictional name on Facebook – I cannot be your friend. Your seven admirers will check in on you regularly, I’m sure.

I'm deleting your friend request.

I’m deleting your friend request.

I don’t know what the end goal of this proposed acquaintance is, but it disturbs me in a couple of ways. First, my oldest son is becoming aware of social media. He is also realizing there are parts on women that make his pupils dilate for reasons he can’t understand. The Internet and his own wide eyes can easily lead a boy astray. I’m trying to stop him from going astray, but it will be harder to keep the Facebook Hookers and their ilk at bay as he gets older.

I hope there are still a few years between us and this danger. In the meantime, these nefarious friend requests disturb me because they are the most common requests I get anymore. The world has run out of real people who want to be my friend, even in an unreal way. I’ve long ago given up on my ability to make friends in three dimensions, but now it seems I’m nothing special in two dimensions either. That’s okay though; I flourish amongst one-dimensional people.

This is the world we live in. I’ll be busy protecting my children from the pitfalls of social media. So if you are a 22-year-old woman, or are pretending to be, it may take me a while to get around to remembering you from our 1980s college days.

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36 comments on “Looking for a special friend, sailor?

  1. OMG, I remember her! What curves! You don’t get friend requests from other bloggers, most of whom you don’t know, but you have 490 friends in common, so you accept them? No? Oh, me neither. I know all my FB friends personally, duh. For real though, ugh to kids being on social media. My 12 year old said she had a snap chat account and now I have to have one of those to stalk her, and I don’t know what I’m doing. Apparently, I’m supposed to send pictures of my genitals to people, but I just can’t even. Hey, maybe ask your big guy to help me figure this out?Is he double digits yet?

    • I don’t have 490 friends in common with myself, Don. It’s probably because I’ve never seen Snapchat and wouldn’t recognize it if I did. My oldest is 7, and it is only a matter of time until he drags me kicking and screaming into virtual worlds I want no part of. But I’ll go, because somebody has to keep the harlots at bay. I only pray I don’t encounter those pictures of your genitals.

  2. AmyRose🌹 says:

    Scott, in all seriousness, this world we live in if I had children, would scare the beejeebers out of me. How do you keep a curious young boy from off the internet? The more you insist NO the more that young one will do anyway. God bless you for choosing to be a parent in these ages!!! ❤

  3. My husband gets that sort of friend request all the time and I never do. You would think there would be some scumbag pretending to be a hot, studly 20-year old guy, just to break up my Facebook day once in a while, but no. Steven gets a lot of email from sex trolls as well. My life is so boring! Great post, though, really enjoyed it.

  4. Parenting and technology, I could write a book about that one. Here’s the gist: I figure a new platform out, my kids have moved on to 25 new things.

  5. Ahdad says:

    I received 9 followers on my Twitter feed within a few hours. I love Twitter, so at the time I thought I was going to be featured on Ellen for gaining the most followers on a given day.

    Turns out they were also only after my body. So I understand your pain.

    The responsible thing to do would have been to block them all…

  6. Gibber says:

    I only wish I were a 22 year old again. I can’t even pretend to be..

  7. Angie Mc says:

    Oh, Scott, I’ve missed you, your family, your writing, for real! As I type, my four kids and grandson are all under my (family reunion vacation) roof and…we’ve weathered social media storms. With 2 sons (20,17) through the worst of the learning curve and one (11) just entering, what has worked for me is being diligent but not afraid. I bowed out of FB years ago, leaving it to my then-teen daughter (24) with oversight from a friend who was active on it. Now, my kids are rarely on FB and they think it’s weird how attached older adults, especially moms, are to it. Practically speaking, I’ll likely get my new business on FB and will certainly request your friendship, sans anything creepy 😀

  8. These kinds of “friend” requests are so creepy. I get them, too, both from photoshopped women and men. The specter of social media terrifies me for my two girls, too. Here’s hoping we can set up smarter filters by the time they have their own usernames!

  9. Sandi says:

    I’m going to be VERY concerned if my 12 year old son gets a hooker friend requesting him on Facebook, since his profile is that of our dog’s name with a photo of the canine. I think we’re safe for now.

  10. amommasview says:

    Scary, hey… Just so out of control really and as much as you try to teach them awareness, their just curious kids…

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