The Tooth Fairy doesn’t work weekends

The Tooth Fairy is due to make another visit. In fact, he’s overdue. A top-notch Tooth Fairy would have shown up sometime last night. Our Tooth Fairy is middling at best.

Lately, Big Brother has been shedding teeth like a hockey player with scurvy. Perhaps our Tooth Fairy has merely been overworked.

Our Tooth Fairy leaves $1, in the form of a golden Presidential dollar coin, under the pillow for each tooth. Our Tooth Fairy gets these coins from his day job, where he buys them from the big bag of dollar coins nobody knows what to do with. Dollar coins are a novelty in the United States, which makes them great for Tooth Fairies, but troublesome to institutions that are occasionally paid them but don’t have a clue how to bundle them for bank deposit.

Our Tooth Fairy is not completely without an eye to the future. He usually buys two coins at a time, but at the rate Big Brother spits out baby teeth, our Tooth Fairy often needs a day’s notice before he can accumulate the wherewithal to visit the pillow. For these same reasons, he doesn’t work on weekends.

We can afford only two teeth purchases at a time.

We can afford only two teeth purchases at a time.

For the first couple of lost teeth, the loose tooth phase was a big deal, no matter how long it lasted. Two weeks of drama, waiting for the final separation was not unheard of. Now, teeth fall with neither pomp nor circumstance. The only reason I knew there was a loose tooth situation this time was because Big Brother complained it was making it inconvenient to eat his corn on the cob at dinner.

Half an hour after going to bed, Big Brother came downstairs with a tooth in his hand. It was a fine tooth, worth every penny of a dollar, and it took all of 30 minutes of wiggling to extract. I told him to rinse out his mouth and go back to bed. Nobody told him to put the tooth under his pillow.

But he did anyway.

This morning he complained the Tooth Fairy had neglected him. We explained that the Tooth Fairy had already set out on her rounds with a strict itinerary by the time his tooth came out. His teeth must fall out before the Tooth Fairy leaves the office, which is, coincidentally, about the same time Daddy leaves work.

I bought two dollar coins today, which will net me two more baby teeth. I don’t have a use or a want for this commodity but nobody ever told me Tooth Fairying was a profitable business or rewarding hobby.

That’s the way with children. You spend money on stuff you’d rather not have. Teeth are pretty cheap compared to all the other crap. With two more suppliers coming up, I guess we’ll go on buying at this rate.

A smart Tooth Fairy would probably just go ahead and buy out the entire sack of dollar coins in one transaction, but I never said our Tooth Fairy was top-notch.



18 comments on “The Tooth Fairy doesn’t work weekends

  1. amommasview says:

    Our toothfairy once forgot to get the tooth from our oldest who is kind of not really believing in her anymore but plays along for our little one… He was very disappointed and questioned the love of the toothfairy… tough one…

  2. Ahdad says:

    Our tooth fairy still had to deliver coins even though the tooth fairy was unmasked by dude…

  3. Our tooth fairy usually takes an extra day or two to deliver… I kinda wish we hadn’t started the whole thing because it’s a pain in my butt!

  4. I myself feel the Tooth Fairy is a terribly overworked entity of modest means, trying to operate a family business without an adequate staff of employees. Have you seen that warehouse full of teeth? Well, just let me say; no self-respecting dental professional—like a Tooth Fairy—would ever
    have gone into the business if they knew the kind of mess they were laying cash out for. Have you seen stock prices for teeth? Always falling… out of someones mouth that is.

  5. AmyRose🌹 says:

    My, how the cost of falling out teeth has gone up. Or perhaps I was living in the wrong house. I remember a dime under my pillow and here I thought that was a big deal. I just so enjoy your tales of what it is like in your home, Scott. Thank you! ❤

  6. J. A. Allen says:

    “Lately, Big Brother has been shedding teeth like a hockey player with scurvy.”
    Bwahahaha, been there! Our tooth fairly had fallen asleep at the wheel a few times too. Usually though, after a quick (sneaky) second look from mom or dad, our hellion with find their missing money under the blankets at the bottom of the bed!

  7. […] Tooth Fairy has always been flaky. She was unreliable when she first started calling at our house, and she’s unreliable […]

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