The results of the First Grade teacher conference were similar to the results of the Kindergarten conference. The boy is doing pretty well academically, especially in reading and writing. He’s okay in math, but he sometimes gets a little frazzled by the clock during the timed quizzes.
The surprising news is that he actually knows how to tell time. At bed time he acts like the clock is some mysterious Nordic Rune that is beyond hope of translation. Ever since Daylight Savings Time began, he places no trust in clocks anyway, with their new trick of sending him upstairs before dark.
Like last year, we gained insights into the workings of the boy’s mind through his creative work.
For Valentine’s Day, the kids put together a book called, “Love is . . .” Here’s our boy’s page.
With enough practice, you can kiss them and still not violate the restraining order.
The longer your lips are, the more discretion you have about how close you want to get to someone you love. If the combined extendibility of the kissing individuals’ lips is greater than 6”, you can completely avoid intersecting your personal spaces.
This picture shows a great leap in maturity, as he would have been kissing a Ninja Turtle last year.
For their 100th day of school, they made a book about what they would do with $100. Hence:
I have no idea what anything in this picture has to do with football gloves.
Why would he want to spend $100 on football gloves? You might even wonder what football gloves are.
Football gloves are worn to help catch the ball in wet weather. The boy and his friends play football at recess. Apparently, one of the kids has such gloves. Therefore, he desperately needs football gloves. I told him he should learn to catch first.
On the back of the $100 page is this.
You can tell he’s old by his gray hair.
In 100 years he will be a 106-year-old boy, still with prominent red lips. He will have huge, misshapen hands (no doubt maimed from not having football gloves), gray hair, and no feet. The loss of feet is lamentable, otherwise he’s a good looking 106-year-old. Even the kids whose nice dads bought them adequate sporting goods won’t hold up much better than that.
Hanging on the walls were cutouts of George Washington the kids had made for Presidents’ Day.
“With all these splinters in my gums, I may never smile again.”
All the other Washingtons were smiling. When the teacher asked our boy why his was not, he replied, “Maybe he’s embarrassed about his wooden teeth.” He gets credit from me for being half right.
With the cutout was a familiar page. We’d seen this question last year.
If Washington is not too big a man to sell snow globes, neither is our boy.
Some things never change. He still holds the philosophy that the President’s primary duty is as Commander In Chief of the armed forces. He still would not be reluctant to use the armed forces, or for that matter, lead them personally. This year he’s added a new layer of sophistication. Armies are expensive. Not wishing to raise taxes or cut social spending, he’s discovered the perfect solution. He’ll open a gift shop, just like he noticed Washington did at Mount Vernon. Now that’s learning from the master.
Snoozing on the Sofa 
Ok, the gift shop opening! Hysterical!
He wants people to have mementos so they will remember his presidency fondly.
Smart kid. I love that, at 106, he has mysteriously lost his feet, but it’s all good. Thumbs up.
He can’t put his thumbs up; they’ve been melded into the rest of his fingers due to the tragic football accident that might have been easily prevented if someone had bought him football gloves.
ROFL! Lip extensions, football gloves, missing feet and G. Washington with rolling eyes opening a giftshop. I needed this! 😀
Glad it hit the spot. Elementary school creative work is always interesting.
Taking off the feet was so much easier than drawing the walker. Your kid is very sharp, Scott. The gift shop addition to our military I expect to be co-opted by our next Commander in Chief, by the way, no matter the party, that’s how utilitarian that gem is. They will sell camo football gloves.
Don’t even mention camo and football gloves in the same sentence – two of the kid’s favorite things. Do you have any idea how much begging I’d have to put up with if he got that idea in his head?
Don’t let him near my comment, Scott. Sorry. 😮
Fortunately, he has no interest in this boring stuff.
I got some big chuckles from this. Why no one mentions Washington’s wandering eye is one of history’s greatest mysteries, I’m glad the boy is brave enough to draw George as he was.
We haven’t talked about George and General Greene’s wife yet. I think we’ll just stick with the bad teeth for now.
That gift shop better sell football gloves and prosthetic feet… oh and maybe a keychain or two… and some t-shirts. Funny stuff!
Knowing him, it will probably be the Presidential Gift Shop & Sporting Goods. He’ll probably find a way to work in army surplus as well.
[…] short stories, but that’s fine with me, as he has already established himself as a favorite visual artist of mine. The kid is […]