It occurred to me recently that children are like drinks of scotch. After you’ve had a couple, someone will attempt to take advantage of your impaired condition to convince you that just one more would put you right smack dab in the zone of happiness. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve suffered headaches caused by your liquor or your kids. It’s not like you’re going to have half a dozen more, just one, and a little one at that.
Since I’ve had children, I don’t spend much time with scotch anymore. Only time will tell if I made the right choice.
I hope it’s the right choice because we’ve made it again. We’re going on this exciting and frightening adventure one more time.
I sure hope they’ve updated the safety regulations on stork transportation.
It’s exciting because my children make me happy, albeit with undertones of aggravation. A third would, by my calculations, increase that happiness by 50%. That doesn’t even account for compounding, but I want to keep any math I have to do as simple as possible.
It’s exciting because I’m still thrilled that a woman of my wife’s caliber would agree to mix her excellent DNA with my swill just once, let alone three times. My wife is amazing; her only failing is an occasional lapse in judgment.
You’d think that by the third go-round, the fear factor would be mitigated. It’s not. It’s a different fear. It’s not that old fear of being sent home from the hospital with a living creature and inadequate training on how to keep it that way. It’s the fear of stretching resources beyond their limits. The house suddenly seems too small. My car is definitely too small. College just became an even fiercer financial dragon. I don’t even know how these kids are going to pay off their preschool loan debt yet.
Retirement? Never heard of it.
After the sixth child, Teddy Roosevelt kept a shot gun filled with bird shot next to his bed. (Image: Kermit Roosevelt)
Since we can’t trade in our house, we’re looking at minivans. I hate to give up the 15-year-old car, fully equipped with power nothing, that used to be the symbol of my Spartan existence, but I can’t find any infant seat anchors on the hood. And minivans aren’t so bad. I’m actually looking forward to taking 20 minutes to place an order at the drive through (30 minutes, if the kids want something to eat).
I recently learned from one of my favorite Mommy Bloggers that I’m some kind of hipster because I got married in my late 30s and am producing offspring well into my 40s. First off, she’s confusing trendiness with the inability to get a date for 20 years. Secondly, I just got a whole lot more hip, sister! And it’s not because of the replacement surgery. Not this time.
So the cat’s out of the bag. A bun is the oven. Where’s the scotch?
P.S. I want to send thanks to couple of fantastic blogs. Randomnessessities nominated me for the Liebster Award and Are You Finished Yet? nominated me for something I don’t quite understand but I’m sure is a high honor. Both are very well written blogs. You should check them out.
Snoozing on the Sofa 
Congratulations, I will pour myself a scotch in your honor. How many kids did your Mom and Dad have? Going for a record?
Who are you trying to kid? You were pouring yourself a scotch regardless.
It would take years to surpass the family record. And a whole hell of a lot of scotch.
Congrats!!!! Wonderful news. And look at you all gettin’ up off the couch and acknowledging the award…which is I think is technically called the WordPress Family Award. I didn’t do my proper duty by posting what it all meant and what other people were supposed to do…because that’s boring. Just wanted to pass on tens of readers to your blog 🙂
Thanks. I don’t know what came over me, being all grateful and everything. Totally out of character.
YES!!!! CONGRATS!!! Told you that you are totally hip!! 🙂 Can’t wait to see the little one on here!! And thanks for the shout out.
Thank you. Yeah, I guess I can no longer deny my awesome hipness . . . now that you’ve defined it for me.
Congrats and good luck
My boss once told me that three isn’t just 1 more as you go from man to man to zonal (some American football terminology I think)
Thank you very much.
Yes, zone is a form of defense employed in football and basketball. In six months we’ll be able to tell you if it is an apt analogy.
Bottoms up! And congratulations!
Cheers! and Thanks!
Congrats, Scott! And I laughed heartily at your definition of “hipster.” Given that mine is on par with that, it gives me hope to know I’m “in style.” 🙂
Thank you, Traci. Be careful. I don’t know how much longer your mom is gonna let you be hip. From what I understand, a mom can only be so patient.
Hey Scott, congratulations on your bun! I honestly can’t imagine what it’s like to have one kid, let alone three, but your blog paints a pretty good picture…and don’t worry: by the time they’ll head to college, you’ll be a world famous blogger with your own TV show;)
Thanks for the shout out btw, although I’m not familiar with the versatile blogger award yet. If so, I would nominate you in a heartbeat. I did nominate you for a Liebster (your second I bevieve;))
Oops! Another thing that children have in common with scotch is they can both muddle your brain. You’ll be nominated for a versatile blogger award soon enough and then you’ll know all about that one too. Meanwhile I’ll make the necessary edit.
Do famous bloggers get their own TV shows? Because that would be something to aspire to, I suppose. Promise me that if I ever do get too famous for my britches, you’ll be there to compare me to Miley Cyrus on your blog. I think that’d be a good post. In fact, I look forward to it.
Thanks.
I haven’t heard of a blogger getting his/her own TV show yet, but if Miley Cyrus is newsworthy for some reason, then certainly people would sit down for what you have to say…at least that’s my opinion.
Will google the versatile blogger award and see how I can get my hands on that one…cause getting a Liebster just ignited my appetite for awards!
Ah, here it is! Congrats again. Minivans really aren’t that bad! Our 10 year old Chevy Venture is a real member of the family, even with her now two missing hubcaps. While I’d never suggest a third child, once they grow on you, that whole I’m the baby thing really takes over. It’s hard to believe, but G$ has really grown on me and ranks above both dogs on my current list of favorites. Yay to your family and here’s to a happy healthy little girl! Or boy, or whatever makes your wife happy.
I think that when you start to rank above the dogs, you’re in. And yes, here’s to a healthy and happy little someone and a happy and healthy little wife.
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! HOW DID I MISS THIS POST??????? CONGRATULATIONS! I’m happy dancing all through my house for you and your amazing wife!
You never know what little nugget of news will be hidden in one these posts. Thank you, from my amazing wife and myself.
After I saw your comment on FB I realized that I had totally missed something! I’m only a little behind. Congratulations! Of course, I think you’re crazy, but I’m sure you know what you’re doing 🙂
Yeah, I know what I’m doing. That’s what I keep telling myself.