Boobies of knowledge

Our one-year-old doesn’t like saying goodbye to Mommy. Even if he doesn’t need her for anything specific, and even if he is happily playing with Daddy or Big Brother, he likes knowing that Mommy is at hand. Daddy can do everything for him that he needs done, but it’s hard to put 100% faith in somebody who doesn’t have boobies. Everyone knows that boobies are where parenting knowledge is stored, which means if Daddy forgets how to do something, he’s got no place he can go to look it up.

Two-volume set

“Think what you will. I refuse to hide my ample reference materials.” (Image: Stanley Kubrick/Look Magazine)

Thus, whenever Mommy leaves the house, she takes the entire archive of tips for keeping little boys happy and comfortable with her. She also takes a couple of really comfortable snuggling pillows, but that’s of secondary concern. The important thing is she’s leaving a fragile little boy in the hands of some dude who is likely to forget the recipe to baby’s comfort at any moment.

When Mommy needs to run an errand, she sometimes finds herself slipping out of the house quietly, to preserve the little boy from any unnecessary anxiety. This is what she thinks she’s doing. What she is actually doing is deferring the unnecessary anxiety until the child is completely in the care of a man whom the boy recognizes as wholly devoid of appropriate reference materials, since Mommy always carries those with her.

Whenever our little boy realizes he hasn’t seen Mommy for a while, he runs toward the door to the garage, since that is Mommy’s most likely escape route. If Mommy has gone out, Daddy needs to take some time to reassure the boy that he does indeed remember how to feed and diaper a child, notwithstanding his flat, bony chest. The boy always recovers his composure, but it can be an unpleasant 10 minutes of distress.

If Mommy is just someplace else in the house, Daddy only needs to make the boy understand that, or, as in the most recent case, let him figure it out for himself.

We have a low counter beside the door to the garage. Sometimes, Mommy sets her purse on this counter.  Last time the boy went to the door chasing a missing Mommy, he saw the purse sitting upon the counter. The purse was evidence, but it was not definitive proof.

carrying mommy's phone

“Mommy can’t be too far away if I’ve got her umbilical cord in my hand.”

The boy pulled the purse to the floor and opened it up. All the distress melted away from his countenance as he plucked out Mommy’s cell phone. This was proof. Mommy might leave home without her purse, but she would never ever leave her phone behind. A phone doesn’t make such a good snuggling pillow, but then grown-ups do have crazy ways.

He took the phone and climbed the stairs. He heard the shower running so he pounded on the bathroom door. When Mommy opened the door, he handed her the phone. He understands how troubling it is to be separated from your comforting boobies of knowledge.

Now, everybody could relax.


22 comments on “Boobies of knowledge

  1. Boobie…they are real and they are spectacular.

  2. I don’t know why, but this reminded me of a theory I have about angry lesbians and their lack of a penis. I’ve said too much already.

  3. Tom W says:

    I have thought a lot about boobies, but now you have provided me with an whole new perspective, thanks.

  4. Traci says:

    I was a bit alarmed by the hierarchy: little boys need mommies and mommies need cell phones. Where do the daddies fall on this scale? 🙂

  5. ksujulie says:

    Lol @ Don.
    My husband still says (3 years after nursing my last daughter) the girls love me more than him because I nursed them???

  6. A. van Nerel says:

    Hi Scott, as you may or may not know, I share a blog with a beaver, who has decided to nominate you for a Liebster Award:
    I’m sorry, I’ve been told writing a Liebster blog is a lot of homework. That said, I believe Lester Beaver is totally right in nominating you, so congratulations, whether you choose to accept it or not;)

    • Thanks, A. Please pass on my profound thanks to the beaver for his nomination. I am humbled that such a dominant web presence should shine his light upon me. It is entirely my fault that he was unaware that I have already received a Liebster nomination. (I really need to find a spot on my sidebar for that badge.) My blog post in response to that first nomination ( was so half-assed that I don’t believe I should be trusted to create another one. Maybe I can think of some other way to appropriately thank the beaver for his kindness, because I really do enjoy his writing and am truly appreciative of his nominating me.

      P.S. I had always envisioned Maggie T. and I standing back to back, dressed in our iron breastplates and wielding our broadswords, fighting off the zombie hordes together. But now that she’s one of them, I guess she’s got to go.

      • A. van Nerel says:

        Something tells me Lester Beaver will get the message;)
        Please don’t apologize for having already won a Liebster. In fact, it doesn’t surprise me at all.
        As for you and Maggie T. fighting off zombies together: I think you just pitched yourself a summer blockbuster there!

  7. pieterk515 says:

    Great read, happy to have stumbled upon this blog, now even happier I nominated that Beaver for his Liebster.

  8. Expat Dad SG says:

    Your lucky! Our little one decided she couldn’t be left in the room alone with me, mum had to be within sight.

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