The road to Hell is paved with Pampers

Diapers. When will I see the last of them?

I’ve got one kid still in diapers, and he doesn’t seem in any big hurry for us to move on.

The amount of money I’ve spent on diapers makes me a little sad that my boys will have to find a way to pay for college on their own. If only I’d followed my instincts and raised these kids in a barn, with a shovel and a hose, we might be able to pay for college one day. Instead, we enjoyed years of warm, dry bottoms. Who can say if we did right?

Big Man wears a size 5 diaper. He’s worn a 5 since he was about six months old. That was two years ago. I can’t bear to get him a size 6, because the kid on the size 6 box looks like he’s about eight years old. I don’t want to give Big Man any ideas about how it’s okay to just do your own thing if it feels right. It’s not okay. He’s going to have to make some tough decisions before community college slips out of reach too.

He’s not even 3 yet, so I don’t want to rush him, except I want to rush him. I’ve been buying, changing, and smelling diapers almost constantly for 8+ years. I’m ready to put them behind me, figuratively, for the few years I’ve got left before I have to start putting them behind me literally. God knows I lack the resources to afford Pampers and Depends concurrently.

"You toss him up in the air and I'll catch him in this."

“You toss him up in the air and I’ll catch him in this.” (Image: Esther Bubley, U.S. Farm Security Administration)

Big Man seems very content to remain in diapers for the foreseeable future. Once in a while, he will tease us by asking to go on the potty, but this is not an evolution so much as it is a precious chance to toy with our emotions. The only smell better than the aroma of one’s own dirty diaper is the smoky odor of burnt parental hopes. It’s a toddler thing.

My wife is not as eager to get out of the diaper trade as I am. She would start all over again with a new baby in a heartbeat. If she had her way, she would always have an infant in the house, which is the definition of insanity. She’ll keep wanting new babies while she’s playing bingo in the Sunshine Home.

I like babies too. They’re cute and nice to hold for a little while, but when it comes to owning any more of them, I’m cashed out. I’m too close to the light at the end of the diaper tunnel to turn back. I’m so close I can almost not smell it.

All I need now is for a certain little boy to get serious about earning an Associate’s Degree.

Then it’s a few good years of freedom, and off to the Sunshine Home. Unlike my wife, when I get to the Home, I’m not giving a single thought to changing another diaper, not even my own.


39 comments on “The road to Hell is paved with Pampers

  1. My mom was pregnant with me when it came time to potty-train my brother. She ended up on bed rest towards the end of the pregnancy, so she sent my brother to stay with her friend who had an at-home daycare. He came back potty-trained. When it came time to potty-train me, my mother and brother both had staph infections, so, my mother sent me to the same friend and I came back potty-trained. When it came time to potty-train my kids (twins), I sent them with my father to see his family in Mississippi. There were tons of kids of all ages there and plenty of adults, so they came back potty-trained. So, my advice is to send your child where there will be older children they will want to emulate and the potty-training process will be done for you. After all, most preschools won’t take your child if he isn’t potty-trained. Good luck!

  2. Beth Wey says:

    It’s been a long road for you for sure. Usually kids want to go to school or at least ride the bus, you can use that on him.

  3. Just Joan says:

    Love this: “I’m ready to put them behind me, figuratively, for the few years I’ve got left before I have to start putting them behind me literally. God knows I lack the resources to afford Pampers and Depends concurrently.” Snoozin, you crack (no pun intended) me up. 🙂

  4. Haha! I’m totally ready to get our near 3 year old out of diapers! I should have trained her when she was ineterested, but I was gigantic and 35 weeks plus pregnant. Moving fast, like toddlers need to get to the toilet, was just not happening. I was lucky if I could get off the couch or floor in ten minutes time with a bit of rocking.
    Hopefully you will be able to conquer the potty training soon! But then there’s the milestone of when your kid can finally wipe their own tush. I think that one deserves a party!

  5. I hate to say that the ‘smell’ won’t leave with diapers – wait till Big Man hits puberty… I’m not sure what’s worse!!

  6. Gibber says:

    I’ve heard it said you can just put them in “Underroos” and let them pee themselves. They won’t like the feel of being wet and you’re the way. Having said that, you won’t like wet/poopy carpet, couches, beds…Forget it just reside to have him pay for his own education and have a scotch..

  7. Jay says:

    My sister is wondering the same thing about diapers – she has a 5 year old bed wetter. Poor guy. He just doesn’t wake up. She’s at her wit’s end, it’s either a diaper (well, Pull-Up, same diff) for bed or wet sheets in the middle of the night. Her 2 year old has no problems.

  8. guiltymamaonthego says:

    Omg diapers are a total blessing for me 🙈.
    I was anxious to rush my 18months old into potty training too, but raising kids is not according to what you wish, everything has a time, a time when things get mature enough. Just be patient, this will be over soon, at least that’s what the elders keep telling me

  9. AmyRose🌹 says:

    How you make me laugh, Scott! You are too much! I grew up in the age of cloth diapers and pins. Be happy for velcro! It could be much worse for you and your wife, but especially your wife. Can you imagine washing all those cloth diapers, first rinsing out the doo doo ones in the toilet water, wringing that out and then putting aside for washer. Yep, that’s how it was done in our house. *shudder* You couldn’t pay me enough to go back to those days. Cleaning kitty litters is nothing compared to cloth diapers. You’ll make it and I’m certain you have many a good year tween now and Depends. LOL ❤

  10. I, too, thought my big man would be the new poster child for Huggies. Thankfully, my son’s teacher (glorified daycare goddess) had an epiphany and just let him walk around without his pants or a pull up on one day and that’s all it took. Of course, he had been coached on the potty ritual for months before this so it wasn’t a real stretch for him to grasp the concept, but still, yay for potty time! Also, potty dances help from what I hear. You might have to get your dancin’ shoes on. After that you’ll prolly be where I am now; which is the “he’s running around the house naked and grabbing his junk” phase. It’s great. Especially when we have company over. Enjoy!

  11. Ahdad says:

    You’re gonna miss them diaper changing days…

  12. marymtf says:

    You may not believe it now, but there will come a time when you will long for the nappy phase.

  13. lisakunk says:

    I know a couple with stairstep kids all under four. They let the kids run around in the buff and swear they’re trained early because they hate to have a mess running down their legs. It sounds good in theory but we are housebreaking a puppy right now and I think I prefer changing a diaper to cleaning up the furniture, floor, rugs and whatever. I’m also not a fan or even a clean butt sitting on my furniture. ooo. And about those Depends your son may need, he should be old enough to pay for them by then. Oh, and when the diaper stage is over, it’ll be like getting a raise and a promotion. Do the happy dance.

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