As I pick through the bottom of the barrel remnants of my kids’ Halloween candy, the little clock in my head (adjusted backward one hour to Eastern Standard Time) tells me it’s time to start feeling thankful for stuff. In America, when you reach the dregs of Halloween candy, it’s time for a little Thanksgiving.
If Thanksgiving is about one thing, that thing is turkey, and also football. But Thanksgiving isn’t about just one thing. It’s about many things, like awkward dinner conversation with extended family, finding that one morsel among the cornucopia of foods your picky preschooler will eat, and, increasingly, college basketball. The latter means Thanksgiving is also about negotiation with crazy people who believe the holiday is family movie time.
Beneath all this important stuff, Thanksgiving is also, in a tertiary kind of way, about giving thanks. I have many blessings in my life, and at halftime I spend all my spiritual energy giving thanks for them. They know who they are, and if they’ve forgotten, I will remind them by asking them to move out from in front of the TV before the second half begins. Since the game usually starts up again before I have time to move on to giving thanks for lesser blessings, it might be good, as I work my way through this least coveted candy (3 Musketeers), to preemptively list the mundane things for which I am thankful this year.
- I’m thankful for the bountiful Halloween harvest my children brought in this year and that they were raised by good parents who taught them the value of sharing, especially with said parents.
- I’m thankful Edwards’ frozen cream pies went on sale, thereby assuring the Thanksgiving dessert satisfaction of Big Brother, and to a lesser extent, Buster.
- I’m thankful there are no more days for Big Brother to ask if we can have the cream pie before Thanksgiving. And then get another one for Thanksgiving, of course.
- I’m thankful there was a sale on Butterball turkeys, not just the off brand, and that my amazing wife used her top-notch organizational skills to make space in our crowded fridge for it to thaw for three days. Meanwhile, don’t even think about reaching for the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter; that’s trapped behind the bird until roasting time.
- I’m thankful Stovetop Corporation employs factories full of workers who will cut bread into little pieces for me so I don’t have to tear through an entire loaf of bread all by myself to make stuffing, as my hapless ancestors did.
- I’m thankful for this one meal each year when it is legal to have Stovetop stuffing AND potatoes.
- I’m thankful for gravy.
I guess I’m done now, because how do you follow gravy? I’ll deliver my major thankfulnesses in person: “[Child’s name], you are blessing and a joy to me, and the only way I could love you more is if you were out the way of the TV.”
“It’s a Butterball. And there’s cream pie in the fridge for later.” (Artist: J.L.G. Ferris)
Snoozing on the Sofa 
I’m so thankful that my wife told me about how my Birdday just happens to fall on the same day as Thanksgiving. Who knew? You can imagine how stunned I was to discover that so many other people share my birdday! Anyway, she informed me of how lucky I was that my birdday happens to fall on the same day as Thanksgiving, because that’s the only time out of the year when someone can eat a turkey—just like ones birthday! Scott, I bet you didn’t know that that also happens to be the case with ones birthday? Yeah, it’s true, you can only eat cake on your birthday, too! I know, I was just as surprised as you probably are to hear that! But boy am I lucky my wife knew about it. I used to be gullible enough to think that maybe I was being tricked into not overeating, before my wife told me the truth about my birdday. But I’m not gullible anymore, no sir. Now on Thanksgiving I get to have my whole family sing Happy Birdday to me just before I get to blow out all the candles on my turkey. It’s just a shame we can only do this every year on our birdday, isn’t it? But rules are rules I guess. At least when it comes to cake I still have my birthday to be thankful for. Just wait till the people at Betty Crocker find out, though. Boy are they going to be disappointed. Bet that hurts business every year. Anyway Happy Birdday to you, Scott. Hey, when is your birdday anyway?
At least you have a good reason for your birthday to be overshadowed. My birthday is preempted by the nearest random hot day in August.
That really is unfortunate. But the good news is, it hardly ever just gets hot in August! Smoldering perhaps, but seldom just hot. 😀
I personally do not mind tearing up the bread for stuffing, because I love the real stuff. I used to make StoveTop to go with hot dogs, back in the ’80s when I lived like a college student. I would be thankful if I had written a blog post earlier today. Hmmm… maybe I’ll use that as my lead. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your nice family.
Are you implying Stovetop is not real? Next you’ll be claiming Velveeta isn’t actually cheese. Sheesh!
Apparently CheezWhiz isn’t real cheese either. Hey, I don’t make up the rules.
I make my own stuffing, my Grandmother’s recipe. Yes made with real butter. Since I took some time off for the Holidays I hope you and yours had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It sure sounds like it. And I just wanted you to know I recently finished the book I recommended and there are things in it that I did not know about when I recommended it to you. His thoughts on some issues are not mine. Just wanted you to know …. 🙂 ❤
Since the boys won’t touch stuffing yet, there’s no point in me making anything special. I have to eat all the leftover myself. Hope you, hubby, and cats had a wonderful holiday. Your disclaimer is duly noted.
I’m thankful that I’m sure some of that turkey, stuffing and cream pie are on the way to me courtesy of you since our TG here in Canada is in Oct.
At this very moment I’m packing up the same amount of goodies you sent me in October. Be on the lookout.
Damn
I have to apologize, I didn’t realise I fell so far behind on your genius writing.
Which I’m thankful for. And not the falling-behind-part but the fact you’re-still-writing-part.
Indeed. It gets more and more difficult at my advanced age. The dementia doesn’t help either.