My vacation in handcuffs

So we took the family to Washington, D.C. and this happened.

the middle one did it

“That’s him, officer! The pitiful-looking one with the puppy dog face!”

Though this is not a real police lineup, there were several times during the week when I wished he were in police custody so that the rest of us could enjoy our vacation in peace. At the attraction where this picture was taken, his aunt bought him a set of toy handcuffs. For the rest of the day, including the duration of our visit to the Air and Space Museum, he handcuffed me to random objects. He could have done us all a favor by handcuffing Buster to the stroller, but Buster’s wrists are too small to really pinch painfully in toy handcuffs. And it’s no fun wielding the authority vested in shackles if you can’t cause pain with it.

Buster spent the bulk of his vacation chasing Big Brother and screaming for the latter’s toy handcuffs. Buster can bust out one hell of a shriek when a brother doesn’t surrender the toy he wants. I’m sure some fellow hotel guests can back me up on this. But his parents did a pretty good job of keeping the high notes contained within normal waking hours. Those kids you heard yelling in the halls all night were a totally separate group of poorly raised children.

New Baby did an admirable job of keeping himself quiet at night. The long days of touring the city made him sleep hard, followed by some hard waking up in the morning. None of us boys in the family wake up easily, and by the looks of things, New Baby will be no exception.


“Oh my God! Where am I?”

always morning

“What time is it?”

morning still

“I did what last night?”

glorious morning

“Oh man! Could I ever use a milk toddy right now.”

After finishing the difficult work of waking up in the mornings, we spent our days seeing the sights, some familiar, some new. But for all the things we saw, the best part of this trip was discovering that D.C. has some pretty decent pizza.

I am a northeast native, living in a Midwestern world. The people here have learned not to speak to me of pizza unless they wish to unleash the condescending snob within. I can find merit in all things Midwestern, except pizza. It hurts my heart whenever I hear Big Brother say, “I love Domino’s pizza.” If he only knew.

It never occurred to me that D.C. would be the first step in his education. Who knew they’d have pizza reminiscent of the northeast? All of us, even picky little Buster, ate and ate and ate many delicious slices. And nobody’s mouth found a leisure moment to blaspheme the holy meals with talk of Domino’s. There is hope for us yet.

After my traditional confrontation with one of the conscientious workers inside a subway booth, it was time to come home. I guess I won’t have to worry about overdosing on pizza again for a while.

After carting three kids around the big city for a week, the wife and I could sure use a vacation.


16 comments on “My vacation in handcuffs

  1. Those four pictures and captions are awesome. You might need to buy a revenge gift for any nephews or nieces you have. I suggest a drum set.

  2. pieterk515 says:

    I’m not one to use the Visa Credit card cliché in vain, but I have to admit, those pics of New Baby are simply priceless.

  3. Traci says:

    The expressions on the baby’s face and the milk toddy quote brought a smile to my day. I hope the wrist bruising heals soon!

  4. A. van Nerel says:

    Great pics, with captions to match!
    Also, I absolutely love Domino’s Pizza.

    • Thank you. Also, may God have mercy on your soul (or at least your taste buds).

      • A. van Nerel says:

        I like Pizza Hut too…does that make it any better, it be in God’s eyes or yours?;)

        • Pizza Hut is even worse! A lump of dough baked in a pan full of grease. But I can only speak for myself. God may be more tolerant of these travesties than I am.

          • A. van Nerel says:

            The trick with Pizza Hut and Dominos is not to think about what you’re eating. Basically a pizza is a lump of dough topped with bits of cow, chicken or pig, topped with cow’s milk that was born before your wife got pregnant with new baby, topped with leftover vegetables. I’m sure God nor you nor any rational being would approve of that…
            Still, whenever I’m too lazy to do my own cooking I can’t help myself. Pizza is the most delicious sin of all;)

  5. yearstricken says:

    Great post – funny and threatening at the same time. I have yet to make the pilgrimage to any of the great pizza shrines in the northeast, so I don’t know what kind of pizza you speak of. I am not a fan of Domino’s or Pizza Hut, so maybe there’s hope for me.

  6. Awe, that little man is a handsome devil. Your wife must be gorgeous. Lol. I have a hard time believing that a human being in a city the size of St. Louis can’t make a decent deep dish pizza, but it’s true. St. Louis style pizza is thin crust, like cracker thin, and it’s good when that sort of pizza will do, but I want a Chicago style pizza sometimes man!! We actually found a decent Jersey style pizza joint, so that’s helped a bit. Anyway, you went on a vacation or something?

    • I think it’s hilarious how every city needs to have their own style of pizza. Except the only time you hear of New York style pizza is outside of New York. In New York, they just call it pizza and that’s exactly what it is. Everybody is working on some variation. I’m not a fan of Chicago style pizza. It’s too heavy and I don’t like waiting over an hour for it to be ready. You could have a lot of good meals waiting for a Chicago pizza to cook.

      And yes, my wife is gorgeous. You’re not the only lucky dog out there.

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