We’ve fallen into an evening routine with New Baby. Mommy feeds him and goes to bed while I stay up with him until he’s ready to sleep. This can take a while, so we have plenty of time for pleasant conversation:
New Baby (NB): “WHAAAA! I want Mommy.”
ME: “Mommy’s getting some rest. Play with me for a while.”
NB: “Got milk?”
ME: “No. Mommy’s got the milk.”
NB: “Ergo, I want her.”
ME: “You just ate.”
NB: “Yeah, but I like keeping a supply handy, just in case.”
ME: “Mommy needs her rest to make more milk. Sit with me and watch the hockey game.”
NB: “Your team sucks.”
ME: “You don’t even know which is my team.”
NB: “Which is your team?”
ME: “The Penguins.”
NB: “Ha! Penguins suck!”
ME: “Don’t be that way. What are you, a Rangers fan?”
NB: “I really don’t care who wins this dumb game . . . as long as it’s not the Penguins. Ha! They suck!”
ME: “Really? Well, guess what? I think it might be time for a diaper change.”
Looking at incredible images, such as beige walls, with his baby eyes.
NB: “Okay. I get it. No more sucking Penguins.”
ME: “Good. Let’s be friends.”
NB: “Hey, what’s that?”
ME: “What?”
NB: “Up in the corner, above the light.”
ME: “I don’t see anything. It’s just the wall.”
NB: “No. I’m serious. It’s incredible. I’m just gonna stare at it a while with my baby eyes.”
ME: “I don’t see anything.”
NB: “Shhhh! I’m trying to focus. These things aren’t turned on all the way yet. Now look what you made me do! It’s a pain in the ass to un-cross them.”
ME: “I still don’t see anything.”
NB: “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Look, the cat sees it too.”
ME: “The cat’s 100 years old. He’s probably seeing his life pass before his eyes.”
NB: “Okay, never mind. Turns out it was just a wall. Your cat’s messed up. I think I’ll cry for a while.”
ME: “Don’t cry. It’s okay. Daddy’s here.”
NB: “Gurgle, gurgle, sploot! Ha! I bet you didn’t know I could spit milk that far.”
ME: “You kids teach me something every day. Feel better now?”
NB: “In a sec. Wait for it . . . Pfffffrrt. Ah! That’s better. Sometimes, ya gotta release the valve at both ends, ya know?”
ME: “Now it really is time for a new diaper.”
There will be kicking and screaming involved.
NB: “No, seriously, I’m fine.”
ME: “You’re not gonna wallow in that.”
NB: “Suit yourself, but you do realize there will be kicking and screaming involved.”
ME: “We’ll do this one real quick.”
Ten minutes later . . .
ME: “Quick kicking my hand. These snaps are hard enough to line up as it is.”
NB: “I believe I warned you about this very thing.”
ME: “Got it! We’re done! Now why don’t you settle down to sleep?”
NB: “Sleep? I did that all day. I’m hungry.”
ME: “You can’t be hungry again. It hasn’t been that long.”
NB: “Dude! Did you not just witness me making more room?”
ME: “Let’s let Mommy sleep a while longer.”
NB: “Hey, I think I see a nipple on your cheek.”
ME: “Suck all you want, you’re not gonna find any milk.”
NB: “I just need to peck at it. I know I saw a nipple.”
ME: “Your baby eyes aren’t turned all the way on yet. It was an illusion.”
NB: “See? I’m so hungry I’m delusional. Maybe I’ll just scream my head off non-stop until the end of time. Like so. WHAAAA . . .”
Thirty seconds later . . .
ME: “I hope Mommy enjoyed her nap.”
Snoozing on the Sofa 
Is it too early to slip the kid some Nyquil?
Yeah. It’s only four in the afternoon. What time do you start?
Whenever you need two hours of sleep. Of course the directions say your child should be 12 before giving them any, but rules are made to be broken.
I’ll try to fit it in between the whiskeying of the gums.
With that furrowed brow and clenched fist, he looks like a baby Scarlet O’Hara. “As God as my witness, I’ll never go without milk again!”
Frankly, my dear, I can’t give a dram!
Makes me glad my baby is 20 years old lol I remember these nights so well
For some silly reason, I waited until I was getting old to do these things.
Thanks for reminding me why I don’t want to go back for seconds on this!
It gets easier. Really it does.
Hahahahahaha this is hilarious. I particularly like the part about staring off at the amazigness of a wall. And how the 100 year old cat’s life is passing before it’s eyes. So many lols.
There’ just something about babies and walls. And the cat can verify that it’s 100% true!
I am so glad you are keeping your sense of humour!
(And letting your wife get *some* sleep, albeit only 30seconds! My son only lasted 40 minutes between feeds until I got his latch sorted out. That meant 40 minutes from start of feed to the start of the next one. And each feed lasted 20 minutes. You do the maths…)
It’s really important that Mommy gets her 30 seconds of sleep, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let her lose out on one second of that.
Good for you!! Every second counts when it is an F1 pitstop and for a Mommy nap….
Why what a vocabulary! And the kid is not to bad either.
We go to night school together.
I’m not sure mommy enjoyed her nap, but I’m pretty sure she’ll enjoy this post;) I know I did!
I’m sure she didn’t. Mommy gets the hard part of this arrangement.