Tag Archives: babies

A boy’s natural biological urge to vacuum

Now that Santa has rewarded her devotion with a new and useful vacuum cleaner, my wife is no longer crippled by inferior equipment and can finally display her vacuumin’ acumen to its fullest potential. Nobody hits a carpet with more gusto than she does.  If vacuums could pick up juice stains, you’d be able to eat off our carpets, as our children often do, juice stains notwithstanding.

I am starting to suspect that our baby has inherited an appreciation for a quality vacuum cleaner from his mother. I don’t know for sure which chromosome carries the Vacuum Cleaner Appreciation Gene, but I’m pretty sure he’s got it, and I’m equally sure he didn’t get it from me.

I haven’t run any experiments on this hypothesis, but I think a lot of babies would be afraid of the vacuum cleaner, or at least be indifferent to it. Our baby chases it. He follows the vacuum cleaner around as if he wants nothing more than to give that glorious dirt buster a giant hug. He is absolutely fascinated by the machine.

boy chasing vacuum

Vacuum wrangling tip #1: Dress appropriately for the job. A proper rodeo clown outfit tells the world that you a serious vacuum chaser.

I recall him following the old, junky vacuum around sometimes, but I don’t think that was for love of the machine. I think he was just looking for the crumbs it turned up and left behind it so he could see how they tasted. There was no better way to discover interesting crumbs in our house than to follow the old vacuum and sift through its tailings.

boy approaching vacuum

Vacuum wrangling tip #2: If you want to catch a moving vacuum in the open, you’ve got to take the right angle to intercept its path.

Even when the new vacuum is not on, the kid can’t stay away. He has to touch its various parts and see how they fit together. It’s a really good vacuum, but I can’t help but think that he is working out some improvements in his head. Maybe he’s trying to figure out why the wheels don’t fall off, because every vacuum he’s ever known before had wheels that fell off.

boy with vacuum cord

Vacuum wrangling tip #3: Get a firm grip on the animal’s tail; he can’t get away if you’ve got his tail.

boy with vacuum attachments

Vacuum wrangling tip #4: Take the bull by the horns. If you can’t find any horns, take it by the upholstery attachment.

Come to think of it, his big brother has a bit of a vacuum fixation too. If he spots a floor sweeper in a restaurant, look out, especially if you are part of the wait staff. He’s tripped a waiter or two in his zeal to make dining room carpets more appealing to customers. It turns out that carpet sweepers don’t pick up juice (or wine, or beer) stains either.

boy reaching out toward vacuum

Vacuum wrangling tip #5: Become one with the beast. Soothe it with gentle caresses or, preferably, a Vulcan mind meld.

Without the benefit of any professional psychological assessments, I’m going to posit that my family’s fascination with vacuum cleaners is a good thing. Yes, it may be a little unusual, but I look at it this way: if these kids are that enthused about the prospect of pushing a vacuum, they have already set themselves upon the slippery slope that leads to mowing the lawn. When the boys discover how much louder, hotter, sharper, and  generally more dangerous lawn mowers are, they’re sure to want to trade up. Call the vacuum a gateway machine; it works for me.

The little kid with the big wig

Our baby was born with lots of hair, and after nine months on the outside, he has even more. His hair is dark and curly. When allowed to do what it pleases, it stands up tall on the top of his head.

For a long time, the hair on the back of his head was very short, highlighting the coiffure plume reaching skyward from the top. Lately, the hair on the back of his head has filled in nicely, but it still is mere undergrowth compared to the jungle of vines on top.

Big Brother refers to this hairstyle as the baby’s Big Wig. Having been a Seinfeld fan in the ‘90s, I sometimes wonder if this child weren’t meant to be named Cosmo or Kramer. Because of his Big Wig, people have often mistaken him for a girl. So far he is not the least bit embarrassed by their misconceptions. He is very comfortable beneath his own skin, and under the impenetrable canopy of his own hair.

boy peering over tabletop

It’s hard to hide when your wig is always giving you away.

We have an unwritten rule that we don’t cut our kids’ hair in the first year. I don’t know where we came up with this, but it is as solid as if it were issued by the Lawgiver himself. Besides, we all really get a kick out of the Big Wig. It’s almost become as much a part of the baby to us as his button nose. When that first birthday rolls around, it’s going to present a difficult decision.

The latest member of the family to begin to enjoy the Big Wig is the baby himself. He sometimes grabs a sample of his own hair and pulls it down in front of his face to get a good look at it. I’m not sure if he likes the way it looks, but if nothing else, it has become a fun and handy toy.

baby's mohawk hair

Big Brother had a unique hairstyle as a baby also. But his was more of a natural mohawk.

The baby plays with his hair more and more. Occasionally, he even gets some fingers caught in it. It’s dangerous hair; I know; I’ve attempted to comb it. My wife is the only one who is qualified to make attempts at taming that hair. A brief comparison of our heads will inform any viewer that she is on much better terms with hair than I am.

We understand that, at some point, we will have to trim back the Big Wig. We wouldn’t want the child to lose his hands in that morass. Still, it will not be an event free of regret. Never has an unmanageable patch of hair endeared us so uniformly to it.

The Big Wig will eventually have to go so that the baby can grow into a respectable toddler. When he’s old enough, he can decide for himself whether he wants to grow it back. That is, unless he has inherited the same gene that caused the diaspora of my hair from its native scalp. Let’s hope Mommy’s DNA is filling in that slot in the gene pool.

What’s in a Christmas stocking?

Christmas is almost upon us and I’m feeling good about it. I’ve got my checklist pretty well marked up:

  • Reroute a couple of paychecks to Amazon.com to take care of the far-flung friends and relatives.
  • Sort through all the millions of toys my four-year-old has told me he wants, paring it down to the few that he will like well enough to make him forget the rest for a few days.
  • Pick out gifts for my wife to the best of my ability as a husband.
  • Practice looking contrite and saying “Sorry, Honey,” when my ability as a husband turns out to be typically husband-like.

The only things I haven’t quite gotten nailed down yet are stocking stuffers for the baby. Stocking stuffers for everybody else have been easy, but I’m having trouble finding little treats for infants. This probably shouldn’t worry me. After all, the child is not yet aware of a thing called Christmas, let alone that it should feature a stocking filled with goodies. A day of teething upon the packaging of his brother’s toys would be an unexpected windfall to him. He wouldn’t miss his stocking at all.

But I would. Stockings are an important Christmas tradition to me. When I was a kid, the only thing my siblings and I were allowed to open when we got up at, oh, say about 2 a.m., on Christmas morning were our stockings. My mother was an inspired stocking filler. The little delights she put in there got us through the hours until she and my father got up.

Then, there were cows to milk; presents had to wait because the cows’ utters wouldn’t. Then there was church. Those of us with enough foresight to choose to be on the Polish side of family that year might have gone to Christmas Eve Mass the day before. We got to play with the goodies from our stockings while we waited for the Germans to come back from church, because our Lutherans didn’t have a Christmas Eve service. We little ones were up for about eight hours before we got to open presents.

stocking hanging on tree

Baby’s first stocking. No, I don’t know the name of any blue-nosed reindeer, but I think he is soon to become a favorite of ours.

One year, when my older brothers played a practical joke by switching out my stocking stuffers for one raw onion, I retreated to a dark corner in the kitchen and cried like it was the end of the world. That was 40 years ago, but I remember it very well. Santa didn’t love me anymore, and it hurt. Even worse, I knew some boys in the next room who deserved an onion far more than I did, so where was the justice?

Even if my little guy doesn’t know about Christmas, or who Santa is, I want him to have a stocking full of happy things on Christmas morning. They may be little things, soon lost or forgotten, but I want to do my best to tell him that the people in his life, who are symbolized by Santa, love him dearly, and always will.

Letter to Santa

A letter to Santa, dictated by the big boy on behalf of his little brother. Since this note falls under Santa-client privilege, names have been redacted.

One year of Snoozing on the Sofa: Are you feeling refreshed yet?

Today is the one –year anniversary of my first blog post. This is my 80th post, which means that I have hurled my precious nuggets of fatherhood at you about 1.53 time each week. I hope that I’ve helped you hone your ducking and dodging skills.

The pages of this blog have been viewed a bit more than 6,000 times. That’s a modest number to serious bloggers, but I think it’s quite a feat to attract people to weed through 6,000 junkyards of completely useless information. It must be my charm.

Anniversaries are a time for reflection and acknowledgement. Therefore:

What (I think) I’ve done right

I’ve tried to make all of my posts worth your time. I’ve worked to make my posts substantive, amusing, and identifiable. Sorry I couldn’t make them informative as well, but I know my limits. I’ve done my best to add interesting images to break up the monotony of my tiresome words, and I’ve always responded to comments as intelligibly as I was able to at the moment.

What I’ve probably done wrong

I can’t get the hang of mentioning my blog to new people I meet within the first minute of meeting them. I am not a great self-promoter. If you don’t believe me, ask any of the people who don’t know about my books. I guess I just wasn’t raised to be the type of guy who goes around whipping out his blog in public.

Acknowledgements

My wife and my boys. This is really their blog. They write all the worthwhile material. I’m just the guy who inserts all the filler in between the good parts.

The Library of Congress. The good people at LOC have come through many times when I just didn’t have the right photograph for a post. LOC has been an invaluable resource for amusing, old (and most importantly, royalty-free) photos.

Man in sleeping bag

Taking a snooze on the sofa was a crude activity in the olden days. Fatherhood was probably a bit more rustic too. (Image: Joseph J. Kirkbride)

WordPress.com. WordPress may not be perfect, but it beats the hell out of trying to do this from scratch. There are limitations, but overall I think they make it ridiculously easy to do what I do here.

My fellow bloggers. I’ve met many wonderful bloggers. We share a labor of love (i.e. we don’t make any money off it). Support from these hard-working folks is the perfect tonic for those moments when you get to thinking it really would be better for everyone if you traded blogging for running a moonshine still in the back yard.

You. Your visits, comments, likes, Facebook shares, etc. keep this blog going. Otherwise, I would be scribbling lines about my family into a notebook, where they would collect dust. Because of you, these notes have a life they never would have had. Thank you. If you are new here, I invite you to dig into the archives and discover the path that has led to this moment. If you’ve been here before, welcome, old friend. I hope to entice all of you back very soon, and don’t feel shy about bringing a friend.

writing blog at computer

Exclusive behind-the-scenes photo of the making of this blog. The scotch is just a prop. I don’t use it to blog; I have to save every drop of it for when I need to do some top-shelf parenting.