A couple of weeks ago, my wife took the boys to a free dairy farm event. I didn’t go, because I had to work, and also because when I was a child I got to go to a free dairy farm event every day. It was called chores.
After the event, my wife called me to tell me about it. Big Brother and Big Man had each taken a turn at milking a cow. Buster refused. “Do you know why he wouldn’t milk the cow?” she asked.
I can think of lots of reasons a boy wouldn’t want to milk a cow. When I was Buster’s age, I didn’t want to milk cows either. Unlike me, Buster had a choice.
I started through my litany of reasons: It’s not really that fun; you can get kicked; fresh, warm milk isn’t very enticing, unless you’re a barn cat . . .
Sensing I was going off on the wrong track, my wife stopped me. “He wouldn’t milk the cow because he said the milk was coming out of its penis.”
She tried to explain to him that cows don’t have penises and that the milk came from the teats, but he wouldn’t be persuaded. I’m not sure I blame him. For a six-year-old boy, penis talk is old news, but having your mom discuss teats with you can shut your mind right down.
If he truly believed it was the cow’s penis, I applaud his decision not to tug on it.
“I don’t care what your brother told you, you’re not leaving this pen until you eat your breakfast!”
One morning, about a week later, I’d given the boys some cereal and gone to put some clothes in the washer. I was summoned from the laundry room by a loud argument. In the dining room, Big Man and Buster were hotly debating the origin of milk. Buster was trying to convince his little brother that milk comes from a cow’s penis.
This did not bode well for the continued consumption of their cereal, so I intervened.
“Cows are girls, so they don’t have penises,” I explained. I believe this generalization is still valid in regard to the four-legged world. “And besides that, have you ever known of any animal that had four penises?”
“Yeah,” Buster replied. “A cow.”
“They’re not penises,” I reiterated. “They’re teats. That’s why milk comes out instead of pee.”
“Yeah, they’re teats!” Big Man, the younger but more reasonable brother, backed me up. “Cows have teats!”
I didn’t know if we convinced Buster, but at least I was confident he wouldn’t scare Big Man away from his Cap’n Crunch. I went back to the laundry before the neighbors overheard me shouting anatomical terms at my children.
I heard the patter of little feet follow me. Big Man entered the laundry room. My little font of scientific reasoning gazed up at me, his face bright with sacred knowledge. “And you know what else? Girls don’t poop!”
So there’s that.
“It’s hard to know what to believe anymore.”
*Photos: Ben Shahn/US Farm Security Administration
Snoozing on the Sofa 
It’s was wrong for you to assign gender to a bovine. Let them chose themselves, based on the gender they identify with. (try to explain that to the kids!)
I’ve already explained myself in over my head. Anything else they need to know about cattle sexuality they can pick up on the streets.
Well this was hilarious.
I live in a house full of comedians.
And what does one say to that? At least you didn’t have to explain where baby cows come from. So there’s that..
FYI: Baby cows come from The Baby Cow Store.
So the question has been asked! lol Now I have to head off to the baby cow store. Are there refunds on returns? Do they accept returns?
Don’t know about refunds, but I heard they were having a special. All the baby cows were on sale for calf price.
Ba doom boom! Ahahaha! Truly funny. Are they moooving them fast then?
Hoof over fist.
Learning gender differences one practical step at a time, Scott. Awesome.
We are a practical bunch, Mark. It’s all business over here.
Yeah, sure it is, Scott. Your family is a joy to follow here, my friend.
Thanks, Mark. They’re a good group, once you learn their quirks.
DELIGHTFUL. Forming your mind is always memorable challenge.
The mold forming these young minds is suspect.
Be back …. I MUST read this but my eyes are too heavy. See ya tomorrow, Scott!! 😘
Oh my heavens! Another good innocent laugh, Scott! What comes out of the mouths’ of kids is absolutely hysterical. How do you keep a straight face, or do you not? I’d be busted up laughing so hard!! How cute! Big Man …. you’ve definitely got your hands full with that one indeed!! 😂😂😂
I have to keep a straight face, Amy. It’s my role as straight man in all their scenes. I’m sure they’d fire me as the daddy if I busted up too much in their plays.