Literally cooking on air, in the figurative sense

I dislike this frying pan.

It’s probably no worse than any of the Teflon pans we have in our kitchen. I hate it because it’s supposed to make Teflon seem like cookware from the Stone Age and it doesn’t. You may have seen it advertised on TV. It’s shilled by a guy with the most delightful British accent. The apex of his pitch is, “It’s lit’rally like cooking on air!”

People misusing the word literally, or even lit’rally, is a pet peeve of mine. Most often, people using the word literally at all is a pet peeve of mine. Yet I was so enticed by the idea of cooking my eggs on air, I let this one slide. Let that be a lesson to me.

I’ll tell you what this frying pan is lit’rally like, if you can forgive me for putting the disqualifying word like after the oft-abused literally.

It’s lit’rally like cooking with any other pan in your cupboard, except the instructions say not to use cooking spray, which makes it lit’rally like having your eggs stick to the bottom. This makes it lit’rally like cooking scrambled eggs instead of the omelet you intended.

It lit’rally makes you shout out words you’ve always been good about not saying in front of the children. (This is the only accurate use of the word lit’rally I’ve written today.)

We did not buy this from the TV commercial. We’ve never bought anything that way. These things end up in the “As Seen on TV” sections of stores, and then they go on sale, and even though nothing else “As Seen on TV” has ever worked like it did when seen on TV you think somehow this one might be the one that does. Because figuratively like cooking on air is, technologically speaking, the closest thing to literally cooking on air, right?

“And I’ve lost the receipt!”

I’m going to be honest and admit this is not the first time I’ve been made a sucker by a product As Seen on TV. There is a NuWave oven that’s been sitting in our closet for the better part of a decade, since the time it taught us to appreciate our regular old oven.

Sometimes infomercial products intrigue me. Air fryers are the latest device I wish I could believe. They are supposed to use hot air to cook chicken wings, onion rings, French fries, and all the other things God made it smelly and inconvenient to deep fry at home so humans might live past middle age. A crispy chicken wing cooked without oil would be the dawn of a new era of hope and joy for me. But I will not be bamboozled by my lofty dreams again. I believe it is Newton’s Fifth Law of Physics that states a warm breeze will never make chicken crispy.

No, I’ve finally learned my lesson. No air fryer for me, because that would be literally like getting ripped off for a hundred bucks, which is lit’rally like £78.



25 comments on “Literally cooking on air, in the figurative sense

  1. Lynn says:

    I lit’rally laughed out loud reading this!

  2. thegsandwich says:

    Funny. Thanks for the non-endorsement.

  3. GoofyEd says:

    I got Hornswoggled by an expanding hose ad. They didn’t bother to warn me i needed more warmer pressure than llama spit to uncoil it.

  4. Just Joan says:

    Newton’s Fifth Law of Physics states a warm breeze will never make chicken crispy? Damn it! You have lit’rally let the air right out of my frying pan with that comment. I do love the “As Seen on TV” shelf at Dollar General though… that egg shaped thing that gently removes calluses from your feet, the screen “door” made of netting and little magnets, the doodad shaped like a paint palette that makes perfect poached eggs in the microwave (literally) every time, a full-size garden hose the size of a hair scrunchie that looked tempting, but thanks to Goofy Ed’s timely comment, shall remain on the shelf. I think there’s also some kind of magic Brillo pad that can remove the stuck-on scrambled eggs from your pan–no scrubbing necessary. You should check it out. 🙂

  5. Gibber says:

    Bahaha! I’ve heard bad things about that fry pan from a lot of people. Sorry you got bamboozled.

    Our neighbours have the air fryer and they like it. Makes one think doesn’t it?

    Maybe you could drink a scotch out of the fry pan so it’s at least good for something?

  6. AmyRose🌹 says:

    Geeze, what can I say other then I’ve learned the HARD way not to buy anything advertised on TV. And because I don’t watch TV anymore, there is a slim to nonexistence chance literally that I would get bamboozled again. Great write, Scott. ☺️

  7. victualling says:

    So funny! What ever happened to Popeil’s Pocket Fisherman?

  8. arsenios says:

    Our neighbours sustain the atmosphere fryer and they like it.

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