Zebra Mom: “Eat your grass, Jimmy.”
Zebra Kid: “I don’t like this grass. I like that grass over there.”
Zebra Mom: “There’s a lion over there.”
Zebra Kid: “Can you ask him to move.”
Zebra Mom: “No. I’m not asking a lion to move so you can have grass that’s exactly the same as this grass.”
Zebra Kid: “Just ask him.”
Zebra Mom: “No. I’m not asking. This is the same grass. Just eat it.”
Zebra Kid: “His grass is in the shade. I don’t like this sunny grass. It’s too hot.”
Zebra Mom: “How would you know? You haven’t even tried it.”
Zebra Kid: “Come on, Mom! Can you just please ask him. He’s not even eating grass.”
Zebra Mom: “If you don’t start eating, so help me God!”
Zebra Kid puts the tip of his tongue on one blade of grass: “This grass is way too dry. It’s like desert grass. You expect me to eat desert grass? Aw, man! Now I need a drink. I’m going to the watering hole.”
Zebra Mom: “You stay right here. There are crocodiles at the watering hole.”
Zebra Kid: “Ack. Ack. This dry grass is burning a hole in my throat. I’ll die if I don’t get a drink fast. Oh, there’s Dad. I’m gonna tell him what you’re doing to me.”
Zebra Mom: “Be sure to show him the hole in your throat.”
Zebra Kid approaches Zebra Dad: “Dad, can I go to the watering hole?”
Zebra Dad: “What did your mother say?”
Zebra Kid: “Nothing really. I think it’s okay with her if you let me go.”
Zebra Dad: “Oh. Okay then.”
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Crocodile Mom: “Ethan, eat your zebra.”
Crocodile Kid: “I don’t like zebra. I want gazelle.”
Crocodile Mom: “It’s all mammal. It tastes the same. Carcass is carcass. Now eat it.”
Crocodile Kid: “This one has stuff on it.”
Crocodile Mom: “What stuff?”
Crocodile Kid: “Look. It has all these black lines.”
Crocodile Mom: “All zebras have black lines. It’s just how they’re seasoned. You won’t even taste it.”
Crocodile Kid: “It’s disgusting. I can’t eat that. It makes me wanna hurl just looking at it.”
Crocodile Mom: “Eat around the black lines then. You’d better eat it before it gets cold. It’s not gonna be any good cold.”
Crocodile Kid: “The lines are touching all the other parts. Their gross juice is gonna be all over everything.”
Crocodile Mom: “Ethan, there are starving crocodile children in the next water hole who would give anything to have food half this good.”
Crocodile Kid: “They can have it.”
Crocodile Mom: “Don’t you dare come to me in an hour and tell me you’re hungry.”
TWO MINUTES LATER
Vulture Dad: “I can’t believe somebody just left all this delicious carrion here. Animals are so wasteful these days. Well, they’re loss is our gain. Dig in, Judy.”
Vulture Kid: “Um. You know I don’t like the kind with the white stripes.”
Bahahahaha! Good one!
Thanks, Lynn. Glad you liked it.
I’m totally LOL. Of course, stuff like this wasn’t allowed in the house I grew up in. Your dinner choices? 1) Eat it while it’s hot. 2) Sit at the table until you finally gag it down. 3) Don’t eat it, go to bed hungry, and have it served to you again for breakfast. Animal parents are so lax these days, letting the kids have free reign at the dinner table. 🙂
Animal parents aren’t what they used to be. It’s a symptom of the changes in animal society.
HaHaHaHaHa!!!!! I love this! So true!
For human children anyway. The animal part is pure speculation.
I am all about anthropomorphy (my computer seems to think that is not a word, but anthropomorphize is and isn’t anthropomorphy the noun of that?).
The noun is anthropomorphism. 🙂
I would have gone with anthropomorphkalafragilisticexpialidocious.
The sound of that is something quite atrocious.
You think it sounds bad? Try saying it.
If I say it loud enough, I’ll always sound precocious.
I have no one to blame but myself.
You should come down and visit. Seems you have a complete understanding of what happens on the African serengeti.
I pay attention to the nature shows.
Bahahaha! I can’t say much given I’m a picky eater..
There’s picky and then there’s petulant.
There’s a possibility I could be on the petulant end of things..
I cannot eat any garlic or onion and most foods have it..
But I bet your breath always smells terrific.
Ahaha! Of course and everyone else stinks..
Well, a lot do, anyway.
And when you don’t eat that stuff, you smell it. lol
So funny! This makes me even more thankful that my son has never been a picky eater. If it’s on the plate, he eats it. Broccoli included – his least favorite food. I don’t think the thought of *not* eating something on his plate even crosses his mind.
My boys actually kind of like broccoli. But liking it doesn’t mean they won’t find something wrong with it on any given day. Every meal is a new adventure.
Very funny! You’ve got the toddler ‘voice’ down to a tee!
Maybe one day I’ll be able to get that toddler voice out of my head. But I hear it sometimes from the ones who aren’t toddlers anymore.
All very funny! My mom used to use the ‘starving children in Africa’ line when we balked at eating her shoe leather roasts. I sometimes thought she was serving rhino hide instead of Alberta beef.
I would like to see a documented instance where that line actually persuaded a child to eat anything. It appeals to an underdeveloped sense of shame, and it’s logic is suspect.
You have the gift, my friend. I found my voice for writing in the animal’s vernacular – See ” Black Leopard ” and “Knight at the Crossroads”
on my wp blog.[ roham8.wordpress.com ]
Thank you. Your blog is marked private. I sent you a request.
OMG, Scott! This is hilarious! You tell your kids that if I didn’t eat what was put in front of me when I was their age, I was sent to my room hungry for the night. I learned to eat no matter if I liked it or not. Spectacular writing!!! 🙂 ❤
Thank you, Amy. Don’t worry, they hear all about the old days from me. It just illustrates to them how much society has changed.
I’m still laughing out loud here!!! Awesome! And so spot on 😉
Glad it tickled you.
Oh, the animal kingdom. Thank goodness we humans aren’t anything like them. Ahem… 😀
Yeah, they have issues.
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Enjoying your sense of humor!
Thank you. My sense of humor appreciates your interest.