In Hell everybody wears a onesie

They sure do make some awfully cute onesies these days. It’s almost a shame that I hate onesies so much. Specifically, I hate the little metal snaps at the bottom of every onesie. I could do diaper changes in my sleep, which is when I am often called upon to do them, if not for those little, metal blood pressure spikes at tail of the onesie.


Cute, in a soul-crushing sort of way.

Usually, I reserve my disdain for objects that are ineffective. I hate onesie snaps exactly because of their maddening effectiveness. Or maybe I’m tugging at them all wrong, because I often struggle to get those little bastards to come apart. We have numerous onesies with tears in the cloth around the snaps caused by my incompetent tugging.

This alone would inspire only a moderate hatred, but the snaps aren’t done taunting me. Having finally unsnapped them and handled the diaper business, I have one hell of a time snapping them together again. My toils are exasperated because we’re blessed with yet another baby who hates diaper changes. As a service to him, and to me, I try to complete the procedure as quickly as possible. They say haste makes waste, but in reality it was the baby who made the waste, and he did it in a very deliberate fashion. Haste makes me fumble with those damned snaps until the baby is whipped into a frenzy of bicycle kicks. Dodging a windmill of feet doesn’t simplify the task.

The other night, my wife’s lovely voice called me out of my sleep. She was nursing New Baby in the rocking chair. “Sorry. I forgot to change him before I started to feed him,” she said. “Can you change him while he’s eating so he can go right to sleep when he’s done?”

You shouldn’t have to apologize for forgetting anything at 3 a.m. But you shouldn’t have to deal with the snaps from hell either.

We have a video monitor in our room that we once used to keep an eye on the other boys at night. We’ve lost interest in what they do in the dark, so we use it only as a soft light source when we get up with New Baby.

In the weak light, with one eye closed, I did battle with baby snaps on my wife’s lap. At the end, I couldn’t get them lined up right, but two one out of three would hold until morning. I went into the bathroom for two seconds to wash my hands.

good enough

That oughta hold ‘im.

On my way back to bed, I was startled by the most egregious report that ever issued from a baby’s bottom. (I would spell the sound phonetically, but there aren’t enough letter sounds in the English language to do it justice.) I jumped as if someone had fired a pistol beside my head.

Oh God! This one was bound to be nasty!

On the bright side, it was another chance to get all three snaps lined up.


17 comments on “In Hell everybody wears a onesie

  1. Lynette says:

    Snaps are the bane of any parents existence. Zippers, that’s there it’s at! Buttons are even worse! I had someone give me a button up PJs for the little when he was born. I didn’t bother taking off the tags, full body shiver bad.

  2. Traci says:

    I was laughing with the title. What about Velcro? I’m sure there’s some warning about the rough part scratching that delicate baby skin, but as noted in an earlier post, he’s already maiming his epidermis with his razor claws.

  3. Julie says:

    Oh, we had the button pjs too! Worst!!

  4. boringyear says:

    And the full ankle to neck body suits with snaps? That usually function as pajamas? Just WHY!! Zippers are the only way in the middle of the night. And they’re so damn hard to find.

    Although they’re super cute, I don’t miss baby clothes and the total inconvenience thereof.

  5. Scott-if you want me to make you a velcro prototype I’d be happy to. Let me know! I can even pick up a onesie from you guys and I already have velcro. 😉

  6. The things you forget once your kids are driving: those snaps, all the diaper changing,the 400 items needed for diaper changing, and hoping that someday your kids can do things on their own. Thanks for reminding me that those days weren’t as ideal as I remember them to be.

  7. yearstricken says:

    At least now you have documentation of all you went through for your kids. It may come in handy in the future when the roles are reversed and they have to diaper you. 🙂

  8. pieterk515 says:

    I am so grateful for reading the full post, as the concept of a onesie was totally foreign to me. Like ketchup and a tap.

    But they do seem tricky…We call it a “babygrow” over here down South. I know, it doesn’t make any sense.

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