I was in the dining room, helping my son with a school project, when my wife hurried up to me and grabbed my hand. She clamped my hand over her left breast. She was clearly alarmed.
WIFE: “Feel that. My boob feels like it’s on fire!”
She had on a sweater over her shirt, but I could still feel that it was hot. It was very hot, chemical reaction hot.
ME: “Is it just the one?”
WIFE: “Yes. The other one’s fine.”
She lifted up her shirt and put my hand on top of her bra. We’re married and everything, so there was no danger of this act leading to anything sexual.
WIFE: “What’s going on with my boob?”
I could see a wet spot on her bra.
ME: “Is it sweating?”
WIFE: “I don’t think so.”
She stretched her bra and sniffed the wet spot.
WIFE: “It doesn’t smell like sweat.”
I sniffed it.
ME: “No. It kinda smells like pork.”
I pulled her sweater back down and noticed that the wet spot went through.
ME: “Did you spill something hot on yourself?”
WIFE: “I don’t think so. I was just cutting up an apple for the baby.”
ME: “Show me what you did.”
She led me into the kitchen and pointed to the fruit bowl on the shelf above the counter.
WIFE: “I just got an apple out and started cutting it up.”
In front of the fruit bowl, the crock pot sat on the counter, gurgling hot little bubbles in the condensed water around the edge of its rattling lid as it slow cooked a pork roast.
ME: “You leaned over the crock pot to reach the apple, didn’t you?”
WIFE: (Relieved) “But why didn’t I get burned right away?”
ME: “It took a minute for it to soak through to the skin. Your boob got slow cooked.”
WIFE: “That’s why my bra smells like pork.”
ME: “I sure hope so.”
The culprit. My wife wouldn’t let me post a photo of the victim.
Snoozing on the Sofa 
This made me chuckle!!!
It was even funnier in person.
chuckle? I had people running into my office, thinking I was dying from hysterics. Again. Mental note – stop reading these posts when at work!!
I agree. It might distract all your co-workers from the blogs they’re reading.
We don’t read blogs @ work…That would be wrong.
That’s exactly why I don’t do it either. And I especially don’t leave comments.
Neither do I. Wait, is this a comment?
“We’re married and everything, so there was no danger of this act leading to anything sexual.” – classic! Lol.
Keep on her about a photo of the victim. Us married guys will take what we can get out here in internets land!
I’ll tell her you need to get a statement from the victim.
Remind her a picture is worth a thousand words. 10,000 when it involves nipple.
And do you know what she would say?: “How many words is a good slap upside the head worth?”
Lol. It’s like we’re somehow living the same lives my friend.
That’s a good woman right there.
Agreed!
I laughed out loud!!
So did I, but I had to run to a different room to avoid the danger of getting slapped.
“We’re married and everything, so there was no danger of this act leading to anything sexual.” … “No. It kinda smells like pork.” A much-needed little snort this a.m. 🙂
Makes me feel good whenever I can contribute to a little morning snort.
Haha I love the comment on marriage. Also– I am now singing “THAT BOOOB IS ON FIIIIIRE” a la Alicia Keys. Thanks for that.
Now you’ve got me singing it. Although, in my case, boob probably means something else.
Too funny! Scott, this is your second boob post in a month. What should we “read” into this?
Just figuring out how to give the public what they want. I noticed that you weren’t late to either of the boob posts.
OH my gosh. THANKS for the laugh!!!!!!!!!!
Who knew a simple pork roast could be so entertaining?
Ohhhhh, you are going to be in so much trouble when she sees this. LOL
She only reads quality blogs.
LOL!!! Too funny, thank you! 🙂
Thank you for reading and commenting.
I loved this post. It’s something I could imagine happening in my house! Unfortunately my hubby would want to do a full boobage inspection though!!
Any husband worth his salt would want to make sure there was no lingering injury to his beloved wife. It’s his duty.
Hmmmmm……. he would say that too 😉
A good man.
Great post, Scott. It’s a shame you couldn’t have worked it into Save the Ta-ta’s month. Granted, it was a boob-related emergency of a different nature, but still.
There’s a Save the Ta-tas Month? Were does a hands-on kind of guy go to volunteer?
You are seriously, so funny! Thanks for the chortle!
Thanks, it’s just that I am surrounded by funny people. I’m just the reporter.
HAHAHHAH! I laughed so hard! HAHAHAHHA!
Imagine if you had been there.
hahah! I think I’d pee my pants a little.
That makes two of us.
🙂
hahahahahahahahahahaha x 100. Yes, it’s that funny.
I am blessed with a woman who is a comic genius. Unfortunately, I can’t post her best material in public. I have to keep the really good stuff to myself.
Same here, same here. I keep on telling everyone I’m married to the funniest woman alive, but she’s not a writer.
Not that I think I’m one… That would be pretentious of me.
And we bloggers are never pretentious.
“That’s why my bra smells like pork.” I’m laughing so hard over here. Until I realized I would probably have done the same thing. Poor slow-cooked boob.
Nobody really knows how they would handle a slow cooked boob until they have one.
I’m going to frame that quote, I think. 🙂
I’m sure it would look great taped to your door.
I’ll incorporate it into my front door Christmas wreath.
Ha ha.. It’s too funny!
That must have made for an interesting dinner!
It smelled like pork.
Well hopefully you didn’t mistake it for pork!
That’s hilarious! Thanks, I need a good laugh!
I hope it hit the spot. Thanks for visiting.
“We’re married and everything, so there was no danger of this act leading to anything sexual.” very funny!!
Thank you!