You can almost smell the love

It’s not quite time for the children to get up for school yet. They still reside in the happy world of dreams, peaceful angels in their slumber.  In the sleepy darkness before dawn, they have no inkling of the battle raging in the house around them.

Daddy is ready to leave for work. Showered and shaved, he has even applied the coating of lotion to his hands and face that Mommy insisted he start doing because she doesn’t want him to dry out like the old prune he is.

He steps into the bathroom where Mommy is drying her hair. He gives her a kiss and a “Love you,” then turns to leave, thinking he has escaped it this morning.

“Did you spray?” Her question freezes him in his tracks.

“No,” he sheepishly admits.

And then the chase is on.

It all started . . .

in the after-Christmas, clearance section of Target. Mommy found two half-priced gift boxes of scented items – one for Him and one for Her. Having both a Him and a Her in their marriage, Mommy deemed the pair of boxes a good bargain. They were lotions and perfumes (I guess men’s perfume is called cologne, but I don’t know much about it), the kind of gift that says “You were at the bottom of my list and I was long past being thoughtful by then. Also, you smell bad.”

perfume for manly men

Smelly enough for a woman, but made for a man. Say it with your deepest voice: “Cologne. “

Mommy was within her rights to pay half-price to smell the way she wished, but Daddy protested buying perfume to cover up his traditional Head & Shoulders scent (he still needs to shampoo the sides of his head). Daddy’s protests were in vain.

It actually all started . . .

decades ago on a dairy farm. Coming out of the barn, the boy Daddy learned the way to coexist with polite society was to divest himself of stink, not to purposely apply stink to himself. Nobody ever ran away from a farm kid they couldn’t smell. If he had nothing else going for him, at least they couldn’t blame him for smelling like air.

It also started . . .

in an upper-middle-class, suburban school, where the young Mommy’s friends wore designer clothes and had leisure to discover their own signature scents. They all smelled like something different, but none of them smelled like air or Head & Shoulders. None of the good ones did, anyway.

It ends this way.

Daddy runs. Mommy grabs the spray bottle of worldly man scent and chases him. After a moment, Daddy gives up his foolish hope of escape. All his flight will do is wake the children. He allows Mommy to shoot him a few times.

Mommy breathes deep. “Oh, you smell so good!” she says, dreamy in the eyes. But it’s nearly time for the children to wake, so she sends Daddy off to work to delight the nostrils of other people.

Daddy drives off to work, wondering if there isn’t a better time of day for the war to end.


33 comments on “You can almost smell the love

  1. Ahdad says:

    My wife prefers cologne that have that fresh-out-of-the-shower-clean smell. So I have to dish out a LOT of money to buy cologne that would make me smell like well, I just walked out of a shower. It would be cheaper to just, well shower, wouldn’t it?

    OK I lie, I use Hugo Boss. Because I am. The. Boss.

  2. mewhoami says:

    As a farm girl, I know exactly what you mean. The only perfume I saw while growing up was an old tiny bottle that my mom kept hidden away in her bedroom. Wearing scents was not something we were taught to do. We were just taught to make sure all the horse and cow manure was off of our shoes before we got on the school bus. It was my husband who got me into this whole perfume thing. After 9 years, I’m still trying to train myself to put it on.

  3. Gibber says:

    I think we share similar battles in this household. Hubby hates scents (Aka Cologne) I love he’s scented…

  4. hahaha! At least it wasn’t AXE spray, then you’d smell like a 14 year old adolescent boy! I haven’t owned a bottle of cologne since my 20’s and hopefully never will again. Sorry you have to smell good! 🙂

  5. I tried running, feeling like Harrison Ford being chased by Tommy Lee Jones, only to protest “I don’t want any.” to which she replied “I don’t care.” In the end I gave up and surrendered. Daddy can’t outrun Mommy even when she’s was in heels, not when she got the smelly stuff on sale. Somebody’s got to pay! 😀

  6. AmyRose🌹 says:

    I’m ROFLMAO!!! Tee hee ….. Way to go Mommy! GRIN!! You men have NO idea what class is! A good smelling man is a SEXY man …. GOT THAT? It may rub off on you, Scott, the scent that is. You may actually end up LIKING it. Hmmmmm …. crazier things have happened you know!!! LOL ❤

  7. I have the same fight with my husband. He refuses to use cologne, and some days, he could use it. I’m out to Target now…

  8. BTW- Head and Shoulders is not the best stuff to smell like.

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