Don’t call me a hero. I’m just a guy who touched feet so future generations could live fuller lives.

The trouble with major research universities is somebody there is always trying to do research. All this intellectual curiosity can get annoying, but when you live in the shadow of the behemoth you get its shade cast upon you sometimes.

Most people can avoid getting caught in the net of the research study, but most people are not married to my wife. The only thing she likes more than making herself into a guinea pig for the discoveries of tomorrow is making her husband into a guinea pig for whatever human subject experimentation is going on today.

The latest thing she leapt to sign us up for is a study on reflexology. Reflexology, as it applies to us, is the application of pressure to the feet. As explained to us, different areas in the foot correspond to areas within the greater body, and by massaging these foot areas, relief can be applied to the rest of the body. Whether this is true, I don’t know, but I’m just a guinea pig; it’s not my job to draw conclusions.

We are just a couple of weeks into our study, but I have already learned two important things. I learned how to, in my amateurish way, apply reflexology pressure to feet. I also learned, although I probably already had this info tucked somewhere in the back of my mind, that I am in no danger of ever contracting a foot fetish.

Why can’t feet stay this cute and soft, with Piggies who still say “Wee, wee, wee!” all the way home?

It turns out I’m not so high on feet.

My training began with getting reflexology applied to my own feet, which was fine, but I’d just as soon have a back rub. Next, I had to work on the feet of somebody I’d just met. I don’t even really like to hug people I just met, so whipping out the foot lube and going to town all over their little piggies was a tad unsettling.

But I got through it.

You’re welcome, Science.

Now, I just have to manhandle my wife’s feet on a regular basis. Though I dearly love all of her appendages, I have to say, there are other parts of her where I would more enthusiastically plant the flag of scientific enlightenment.

I’m just not into feet. I don’t even care for my own feet. Yes, they are extremely useful to me in my everyday doings, but they are not cute or cuddly, or even gritty handsome in a backwoods kind of way. My feet are homely workhorses, which is why I grew them as far from my eyes as I could.

The only pair of feet I can truly say I love to touch are those soft, pudgy, still babylike ones at the ground end of Big Man. They have yet to develop the harsh gangliness of his older brothers’ feet. For a year or two more, his feet will be a pleasure to touch.

Too bad he’s not signed up for the reflexology study.




16 comments on “Don’t call me a hero. I’m just a guy who touched feet so future generations could live fuller lives.

  1. Just Joan says:

    Snoozin, you’ll have to let us know what the Reflexology research concludes… probably that people who practice it regularly are more likely to have toe jam under their fingernails. I laughed when I read this: “Though I dearly love all of her appendages, I have to say, there are other parts of her where I would more enthusiastically plant the flag of scientific enlightenment.” Indeed. Keep up the good work, science needs more folks like you and your wife. 🙂

    • The irony is we will probably never be told the results of the study. It will probably go on for a while after we’re done with our part. My personal conclusion is that middle-aged feet are not as sexy as they sound.

  2. thegsandwich says:

    Funny how baby feet are so cute and adult feet are, well, not. I had a friend who was studying reflexology who spent an hour massaging my big toe. I felt as if I had taken a week”s vacation when she was finished. Great piece. Thanks for sharing!

  3. Gibber says:

    Brave man you are. How do you know where those strangers feet have been? My Hubby hates feet. So no foot reflexology for me here. But it’s okay because you’re learning. Let me know when you’re booking appointments.
    I’ll send out the word.

    • I have to give lots of credit to people who make their livings by touching other people. They have a fortitude I’ll never acquire.

      • Gibber says:

        I’m with you on that. Not for me either. Although I used to be a hairstylist and when you’re an apprentice you get all the dirty work so to speak. I had a few clients who rarely washed their hair. It would take three shampoo’s and a lot of black water to get them clean. That’s only a mild form of one story.

      • Gibber says:

        Oh I no longer work as a stylist and I don’t miss it at all. Except I cut Hubby’s hair still.

  4. Lynn says:

    I am so with you on this one Scott. Although I think there is truth in the science of reflexology, do not ask me to rub/trim/touch other people’s feet! Baby feet fall into a category all on their own…they are beautiful, but adult feet? Yikes!

  5. GoofyEd says:

    Here’s my take on reflex-anything. If the nerves can transfer “goodness” from the feet there must be “equal and opposite” possibilities too. Now, I’m probably going to run the other way if I ever see LaRay rubbing her hands together as she approaches me at MSU.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.