Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a bear attack

Valentine’s Day isn’t my favorite holiday. It’s like a yearly final exam of love, and I never liked being tested. If you don’t have someone special in your life, you fail. And if you’re lucky enough to have a special someone, you probably fail anyway, because you used up your reserve of romance during those early days when you actually imagined you could top yourself year after year.

If you’re that guy who doesn’t do little things for your love whenever you see the chance, Valentine’s Day is your opportunity to make one grand gesture that you hope will sustain you through another year. I try not to be that guy, so I can’t say if it works, but it is a potential upside to the holiday.

If you do rely upon a yearly gesture, the fine folks over at Vermont Teddy Bear have just the trick for you. It’s a six-foot-tall stuffed bear that your lady love is sure to love appreciate be unable to ignore.

I’ve seen several commercials for the Big Hunka Love Bear in the buildup to Valentine’s Day. They are, to say the least, eye-opening.

All out of love

Oh no! Sold out! Now what kind of monstrosity can we buy to express our love? (Image: Vermont Teddy Bear Company)

If the commercials can be believed, and we all know they couldn’t put it on TV if it weren’t true, women go gaga over Big Hunka. That is to say, women who resemble supermodels go gaga over him. There were no women not resembling supermodels in the ad, so there’s no telling how ordinary gals will react.

But, on this special day, you want your woman to feel like a supermodel, right? When you flop this behemoth bear over her shoulders, she will know, if she has not suffered a concussion in the attack, that you still think she’s awesome sexy after all these years. Because nobody’s ever seen a Plain Jane hunker down under the weight of such a gargantuan plush toy.

According to the TV, your woman will adore this bear enough to frolic with him while dressed only in her most sensuous underthings, thus taking the pressure off you to cuddle with the half-dressed love of your life. In business, they call that a win-win.

I’m not getting my wife a Big Hunka Love Bear. She already knows I think she’s a supermodel. Plus, she’s not a large person and I’m afraid she could not stand the mauling. Moreover, I’d be crushed to discover that her other man is a stuffed bear. He may be physically appealing, with his hairy chest and whatnot, but I’d hope to rate well intellectually against such a rival.

The boys would like the bear, though I’m not sure I want them strutting around like supermodels. Little Buster would have a blast, alternating between petting the bear and punching him, because that’s just the kind of emotional psychopaths boys can be at his age. But Buster has me for punching, so we’ll skip the bear this year.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all, but especially to my supermodel wife. I love you more than a bear ever could, sweetheart.

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17 comments on “Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a bear attack

  1. The words of a poet. Your wife is one lucky lady.

    P.S. If my husband ever brought home anything that is the size of half of our bedroom, I would kick him in the nuts.

  2. nofrillswrapping says:

    Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your loved ones too!

  3. That is one big bear! I’m sure it’s meant to be a big gesture, but where do you put a bear like that? It’s too big for any cupboard and I’d feel it’s a bit cruel to keep it in the shed all year long…Although I don’t know your wife, I would love to see the expression on her (or anyone’s) face when presented with a gift of this magnitude.

  4. tom w says:

    Instead of a big hairy “teddy” from Vermont, try a small silky one from that place at the mall.

  5. Lynn says:

    I look at the bear & see dust collector! Like you, this is not my favourite “holiday”. Personally, I think it just one big commercial sell! Share the gift of love with those in you life who are special each & every day. Simple little things, bringing you a cup of coffee, a hug when you need it most, quiet time when you have had a frazzled day. Easy, peasy…no gargantuan bears required!

  6. mewhoami says:

    Wow, that is huge bear! That would be a little over the top in my opinion. I highly doubt many women would even like receiving a gift like that. Most would instantly stress over where to put the thing.

  7. Traci says:

    Man, how much did it cost? I guess if someone was insane enough, excuse me, considerate enough to give such a gift, you could always place the bear in the living room and use him as a Lazy Bear recliner.

  8. stacybuckeye says:

    Oh my. I hadn’t seen this hunka hunka plush love. Did these supermodels use it as a chair, a bed? Where would you put this thing on February 15? And they sold out. Huh.

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