Where are your boob holes when you need them?

If you are like me, you probably think that all hospital gowns are pretty much the same. That just goes to show how wrong it is to be like me. You should try very hard not to do it anymore.

In the maternity ward, they have a special gown, just for mom, with holes cut out over the breasts. I don’t remember seeing these on our first visit to the maternity ward, in 2008, but I suspect I just didn’t notice. After all, I was passed out much of the time, and overwhelmed by the prospect of a lifetime of parenthood when conscious.

The ostensible purpose of these special gowns is to allow mothers to breastfeed their babies without having to navigate all the way around to the open edge of the gown. While this is a noble cause, and a team of engineers probably dedicated the better part of their careers to calculating the optimal number of holes, I think it must be the most underutilized piece of medical technology in existence.

I almost missed knowing about these medical advancements on this last visit too, and with good reason. Though my wife breastfed from the get-go, she most often did so by throwing the bulk of her gown up over her shoulder with the same abandon with which a cavalier would manage his cape.

Only once, entangled in the gown, bed sheets, and other sundry cloaks of fresh motherhood, did my wife attempt to use these helpful slits in her apparel. She wriggled around, searching the folds of her peculiar garment. “Where are your boob holes when you need them?” she muttered in frustration.

This was my first indication that such a thing existed. “What are boob holes?” I asked, a little embarrassed that, in my position as a repeat father, I might have been ignorant of an entire undiscovered acre of female anatomy.

She pointed to a spare gown hanging on the bathroom door. Unlike the gown she wore, this one clearly showed a hole, by virtue of its being hung from it. Before I could note the difference between this hole and the short sleeves at either side, I said, “I thought that was an arm hole.”

This gown must be defective. Who has arms this close together?

“How many arms do you think I have?” she asked. Clearly, her frustration with her own gown was making her sarcastic.

Intrigued, I took down the extra gown and examined it. True enough, there were two spare arm holes cut right smack into the front of it. “Science!” I whistled to myself. I was just at the point of thinking that we might be able to use one of these at home, when a couple of quick impulses cooled my ardor.

First, my wife had given up and slung the bulk of her gown off to the side. She had finally located one of the holes, but it was awkwardly situated and she had no success using it to lasso anything useful to a baby. I’m no expert on hospital gowns, but it seems to me that they are difficult to keep on straight.

Some sicko with a camera playing dress-up in hospital dainties. They really ought to be more careful about who they let into the maternity ward.

By the time a woman gets into bed and maneuvers breast and baby onto a collision course, the boob holes (pardon my continued use of technical terms) might as well be arm holes. A baby stands a better chance of finding milk by shoving his head up a sleeve.

Second, the material of the hospital gown seems flimsy and unattractive to me. I think I’ll wait until they start making these chic little outfits in leather.

*****IF YOU LIKE THESE TRUE STORIES, CHECK OUT MY FICTION TOO!: My book of short stories, A Smile Through a Tear is currently being featured on Sandy’s Spotlight. Sandy’s Spotlight is a blog that features authors discussing their books. Click here to see what the writer of a really fantastic literary blog has to say about the book. Or just stop by to say hello.

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6 comments on “Where are your boob holes when you need them?

  1. Boob holes? Really? Wow! Amazing! They didn’t have boob holes when I had kids. I just love technology.

    BTW – I’d love it if you could stop by my blog, Sandy’s Spotlight. Scott has it listed above. I’m currently running a feature on Scott’s book of short stories, A Smile Through A Tear. LOVED IT! I’ve got my review listed and you can see Scott talk about his book on video!

    My opinion is that Scott is one of the most talented authors out there. If you haven’t checked out his work, please do. You won’t be disappointed. :o)

  2. yearstricken says:

    This is great. You are great with humor.

    • Scott Nagele says:

      According to my wife, I’m pretty good with drama too. When I start to overplay my act, she just begins to call me Nancy.That settles me down. Thanks for visiting, yearstricken. I love visits from very talented bloggers.

  3. tom says:

    This is a story I probably shouldn’t comment on, for obvious reasons, but I recently had my own experience with hospital gowns. When the hospital sent me a comment card to fill out (much like my oil change place), all my written comments were about those stupid gowns, not the surgery or staff. Haven’t those people ever heard of velcro how are you supose to reach behind your back and tie the stupid thing when they give you just 3 inches of string. Then, even if you do manage to tie it, it’s never closed in the back anyway. If I want humilation I will go to the airport and try to board a plane!

    • Scott Nagele says:

      I’m glad you did comment, cause it was a good one. And please, next time you do try to get on a plane, take good notes because I want to hear all about it. Better yet, see if you can get a kindly stranger to video tape it. That’d be gold!

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